Written by Gee Pee
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Monday, 24 June 2013

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM, TEXAS - Cheyenna Richards, of Houston, Texas, who admits she's "not all that," nevertheless claims that Jesus frequently joins her in the shower. The former atheist, who now describes herself as "a believer," says that his presence is "creepy," especially since he died over two thousand years ago.

His presence in her shower has convinced her, she says, that "He is risen, but there is undeniable evidence that the Lord has, indeed, risen. Let's just say that, despite his being a couple of millennia old, the guy's still got it."

Christians, who believe that Jesus is very much alive, despite his death, are offended by Richards' claims. "The Lord is not a voyeur," Reverend Arthur Dimmesdale declared.

According to the newly converted Richards, however, Jesus seems interested in seeing her naked.

"He appears as I enter the shower, I can see his image in the mold. He stays with me the whole time that I'm there, just watching. He never takes his eyes off me."

Rev. Dimmesdale suggests her shower may be possessed by more nefarious spirits, but psychologists have offered their own (much more likely) explanation for the phenomenon. A study conducted last year at Northwestern University suggests that "humans are wired to look for familiarity and meaning in the most abstract squiggles." In this study, ten volunteers studied "squiggles" while lying under a brain scanner. They described the meaningless doodles as faces or animals or something else that was meaningful to them.

According to the chief psychologist who led the study, Dr. Hugh Mann, this tendency "may explain why Richards sees Jesus in her shower mold.

It would also explain the Messiah's appearance in many other, equally mundane objects, such as toast, scrambled eggs, cliffs, sales receipts, Jello, towels, pizza pies, fish sticks, bread, tortillas, household appliances, window panes, chocolate bars, sheets, plaster, frying pan grease, and tattoos.

Dr. Mann also has some advice for Richards as to how to rid herself of the spiritual scopophiliac: "Rubber gloves, a face mask, chlorine bleach, and a soft-bristle scrub brush should do the trick, although some people use hydrogen peroxide, vinegar, or baking soda."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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