WASHINGTON, DC - An Infernal Revenue Service (IRS) superstar in Washington says she personally examined tea party groups' applications for tax-exempt status without taking action on them for over a year in many cases. "I just never seemed to have the time," Holly Spaz told The Spoof. "After all, approving the applications for all of Obama's supporters took most of my day not just occasionally but every day." For every three conservative political action groups she approved for tax-exempt status, she admitted, "I approved three or four thousand liberal groups' applications."
If that seems to represent an imbalance in the approval rate, she said, it does: "The president is very clear as to whom he wants us to target and who should get a free pass."
Among those whose applications are to receive a "rubber stamp of approval," Spaz said, "are blacks, Latinos, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, the transgendered, and Democrats, in that order." Whites, heterosexuals, and Republicans, she said, "need not apply."
The White House (i. e., President Obama) has contended that only "a handful" of IRS "misguided and overzealous" agents "somewhere in Peoria" were responsible for targeting American citizens on the basis of race, creed, color, national origin, sexual origin, and political affiliation. Spaz's statements directly contradict the administration's account of the depth and the breadth of the scandal, and, "for that reason," White House Press Secretary Jay Carney declared, "Ms. Spaz herself is now being targeted by the IRS."
The Justice Department, headed by an Obama appointee, is conducting an internal investigation of the IRS' "alleged misconduct," but, to date, it has uncovered no evidence of a coverup. However, the special agent in charge of tax-exempt claims, Lois "Slow" Lerner, has pleaded the Fifth Protection, saying "I've done nothing wrong, but I am asserting my right not to incriminate myself."
The president wants "to put the IRS business aside," Carney told The Spoof, "so we can move on, to Obamacare." The IRS is responsible for ensuring that all decent, red-blooded American men and women purchase healthcare insurance or "be targeted by the same IRS that has taken on conservative groups." "Nobody, rich or poor, black or white, gay or straight, Democrat or Republican, will be exempt from the requirements of the one-thousand pages of Obamacare law that makes the IRS' own labyrinthine tax code look like simplicity itself, he promised. "Sooner or later, we will trip every taxpayer up with a 'wherefore,' a 'henceforth,' or a 'moreover," and, then, make no mistake, we will garnish his or her wages, seize his or her bank account, put a lien against his or her property, fine him or her, and put him or her in prison. We want a healthy America and a wealthy federal government. If the First Lady's war on obesity won't trim this nation's fat, Obamacare will."