WASHINGTON, DC - After weeks of denying that he had ever even heard of the Infernal Revenue Service, President Barack Obama admitted, today, that White House Counsel Kathyrn Ruemmler knew of the agency's unconstitutional targeting of conservative political organizations but had "inappropriately" decided not to inform him of the scuttlebutt.
"She's not a rumormonger," the president told this reporter, "like some Republicans."
Instead of notifying Obama, Ruemmler told members of the executive branch's "senior staff." They "made sure that the story got lost in the shuffle," she believes, but says that, "if it did, it's not my fault."
The Treasury Department's investigation of the IRS revealed that the tax agency singled out groups whose names or affiliations included such "un-American" terms as "American," "Constitution," "God," "freedom," "heterosexual," and "patriot" for special audits.
Religious organizations were instructed to send the IRS the "contents of their prayers" along with their applications for tax-exempt status. "If the IRS auditors were atheists, agnostics, or Republicans, Ruemmler confessed, "they were denied tax-exempt status."
On the other hand, illegal aliens, Congressmen, Senators, Democrats, and "other criminals" were granted such status, Ruemmler said, "even if they had never applied for it."
Obama said that he learned about the IRS' massive invasion of American citizens' privacy and its flaunting of Constitutional freedoms "the same way the agency's victims did, and the same way" that he becomes aware "of any other crisis, foreign or domestic: I heard about it on Fox News."
According to Tiger Woods, "The president was playing golf with me during the last month or so during which the IRS investigated innocent taxpayers."
Senator John McCain (R-AZ) said, "I wish the president had been watching the news the night Ambassador Christopher Stevens and the three Marines were slaughtered in Benghazi. Maybe he would have been in the position to do something to stop their murders, rather than allowing Hillary Clinton to order the military to stand down."
Asked her opinion of McCain's declaration, the former Secretary of State said, "So four Americans are dead. What does it matter?" All that counts, she says, is "the election in 2016. By the way, I'm running. Have I mentioned that?"
Obama assured the public that, "despite the IRS fiasco, American citizens can trust the agency when it comes to its part in overseeing Obamacare" next year. "There's no need to worry about being singled out," he said. "Every American citizen, regardless of race, color, creed, or sexual orientation, will be targeted by the IRS."