PHOENIX RISES AGAIN, AZ - Convicted killer Jodi Arias has escaped the death penalty-for now. The men on the jury, all of whom are "well hung," according to observers of the death-penalty phase of the trial, have been unable to sentence the stunning slayer to death. "She's too gorgeous to gas," juror number seven said.
The judge has declared a mistrial, and a second, all-woman jury, will be empaneled to determine whether Arias should receive a thumbs-up (life sentence) or a thumbs-down (death sentence).
"The Jodi Arias trial is the best show on television since Casey Anthony was acquitted of the charge of killing her brat," a Tru TV reporter said. "It makes World's Dumbasses seem mild by comparison." The network, known for its "actuality" programming, is reportedly considering a new series: Modern Gladiator: The Life or Death of Jodi Arias, to be aired this fall. If the matter of her sentence has not been settled by net year, there could be a second season, depending upon viewers' response to the show. "It's sure to be a hit," Tru TV producers believe, however: "it's the next-best thing to ancient coliseum duels to the death."
Arias' defense attorneys are anxious about their client's life being determined by an all-female jury. "She's a hottie, for sure," one attorney agreed, "but, unless there's a lesbian on the panel, she could get a thumbs-down the next time around."
"She might be a convicted killer," juror number nine said, explaining away his refusal to sentence Arias to the ultimate penalty for her killing of her late boyfriend, What's-His-Name?--oh, yeah!--Travis Alexander (whom she shot in the head and stabbed multiple times, before slitting his throat from ear to ear), "but she's a killer with killer looks!"
Arias' response to the non-verdict was to offer a prayer to God: "Praise the Lord! I'm just thankful to God for hung jurors!"
She feels confident, she said, that she will "walk."