WHITEWASHINGton, DC - The Associated Press (AP) has discovered that President Barack ("Barry") Obummer's, uh, Obama's administration, in the interest of "government transparency," has set up secret offshore email accounts and may be using them to cover up facts that could embarrass the president and send him and his cronies to prison. Some claim that this news is shocking, but Obama's appointees say it is "just business as usual."
The Secretary of Health and Inhuman Services, Kathleen Sebelius, is one of the many culprits. "Most American citizens' communications with me are nothing more than spam," she said, defending her actions, "that just clog up my in box."
The AP has sought a complete list of Obama's political appointees' secret email addresses, but, in defiance of the Freedom of Misinformation Act, the White House has refused to release the information, claiming that doing so could jeopardize Democratic candidates' chances to win the next presidential election.
Instead of complying with the AP's request, the White House ordered the news organization's telephone lines and computer connections to be wiretapped under the pretense that the AP represents "a threat to national secrets."
"That's the kind of treatment to expect when you come after us," Sebelius wrote to a secret confidant, in a secret email message released through her secret email account.
Obama said he is "disappointed" that his appointees were caught "doing something that my political enemies could claim is inappropriate."
"Inappropriate?" Speaker of the House John Boner, uh, Boehner cried. "The use of secret email accounts is outrageous; it's criminal!" Turning to an aide, he whispered, "Delete mine!"
The secret accounts violate federal law, which requires that secret government email be preserved and available for secret Congressional or judicial review. "We are above the law," Sebelius claimed. "In America, there are two sets of laws, one for Obama and his political appointees and one for everybody else."
"What happens when Obama fires Sebelius or Republicans take over the White House, in the next election?" Boehner asked. "How will these secret email accounts be accessed by the administration's replacements?"
"He doesn't have to worry about that," Obama said. "Hillary Clinton is going to be our next president, and I will make sure that she has a complete list of all my appointees' secret email addresses, secret user names, and secret passwords."
Other government agencies that "routinely" use secret email accounts include the Infernal Revenue Service, the Department of Injustice, the Environmentalist Protection Agency, the Pentagun, the Department of Veterans' Affairs, the Department of Hosing and Urban Developments, and the Department of Homeland Insecurity.
In fact, the Secret Services allegedly used secret email accounts to set up " secret escort services" during Obama's secret visit to Columbia in 2012 and to pay off the "whores." A PayPal glitch resulted in nonpayment, and the prostitutes blew the whistle (among other things) on the G-spot men.
Those who wish to express "outrage" are invited to email Secretary of State Sebelius. She assures reporters that "any correspondence she receives at this secret email address will be automatically deleted and the senders' return addresses will be secretly added to the president's secret enemies list for future persecution."
"We have no secrets," Obama's press secretary, Jim Carrey, uh, Jay Carney, maintained when questioned by AP reporters at a recent secret presidential press coverup. "We are totally transparent, just as the president promised we would be."