Written by Gee Pee
Print this

Saturday, 15 June 2013

FORT MYER, VA - In an ongoing effort to promote nudism, the U. S. Army has forbidden a soldier from reading books by conservative authors while he is in uniform. Corporal (formerly Master Sergeant) Nathan Sommers, who has served "with honor but without distinction" for a quarter of a century, sees the order as being but another means of persecuting him for having an anti-Obama bumper sticker on his military-issued HUM-V. However, his commanding officer says he's just enforcing the Pentagon's new "politically correct" Approved Reading List.

An outspoken conservative Christian, Sommers also opposes gay marriage, abortion on demand, open borders, compulsory nudity, and other policies that are near and dear to his commander-in-chief's own values. The only two interests that he and the president share, Sommers said, is their fondness for music. "I love classical, and he [Obama] is a fan of hip hop and rap."

A member of the U. S. Army band, Sommers plays the bugle, and he "caught flack for that, too," when he was the soloist"--as in the only band member there--at the funeral of alcoholic and First Lady Betty Ford. A conservative political group had requested "full military honors," Sommers said, "but the groups' request was denied on the grounds that her husband's presidency had been "too conservative to warrant a 21-gun salute or any other military honors." When Sommers played taps, anyway, he was demoted to corporal.

In addition, more recently, Sommers has been ordered not to read books by such conservative authors as Bill O'Reilly, Mark Levin, David Limbaugh, or Sean Hannity while he is in uniform.

"I can read about homosexuals, infanticide, illegal immigration, and even nudism while in uniform," Sommers said, "but, to read O'Reilly, Levin, Limbaugh, or Hannity, I have to be stark naked."

Forced nudity, he said, is one of the techniques of "enhanced interrogation" that the military uses, he said, to "strip away one's identity."

During the presidential election, he was also commanded to remove bumper stickers from his HUM-V. The stickers read, "NoBama" and "Political Dissent Is Not Racism." He has since discovered that, in the U. S. Army, it's "Yes, Sir, Mr. President!" and that political dissent ''is'' most definitely racism. However, Barak Obama and Joe Biden supporters among the troops were allowed to display anti-Romney and anti-Ryan bumper stickers that read, "I Wouldn't Wipe My Ass With Romney" and "Ryan Can Kiss My Ass."

Since Sommer's political views were "out of step," they created a "hostile working environment," his superior officers maintained, whereas the anti-Romney and anti-Ryan sentiments were "boosts to morale."

After Sommers hired an attorney who brought his client's plight to the attention of Bill O'Reilly, Mark Levin, David Limbaugh, and Sean Hannity, the Army released the following statement: "The soldier in question was never prohibited, and shall not be prohibited, from affixing political bumper stickers to his private parts and may read in uniform whenever he likes when he is not on duty, provided that his choice of reading materials is limited to books by sanctioned writers such as Molly Ivins, Mark Crispin Miller, Bill Moyers, Jim Hightower, or Harry Reid. Nudity is required only during full-body cavity searches for contraband such as has already been identified to the soldier."

Make Gee Pee's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 1 multiplied by 1?

4 1 6 15
52 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more