Written by Tania Lewis
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Saturday, 15 June 2013

image for Mayor Bloomberg asks America, "How Many Calories Are in the Big Apple?"
These lights make the city look fat.

New York, NY: City Hall: Mayor Bloomberg is continues to plunge further with his health initiatives; he asks citizens and constituents across the city, "How many calories are in the big apple?" Bloomberg claims, "upwards of 450,000 per-serving, which is too damn many."

Since taking office in 2002, Bloomberg has unleashed a plethora of public health initiatives intended to get tubby New Yorkers to start giving a shit about their bodies. So far health efforts include, cutting sodium in prepared meals and posting restaurants' health department grades, as well as limiting the use of tobacco products.

Yuppie couple, Dawn and Matthew of Tribeca were very much resistant to the prospect of going out, and spending their money at smokeless bars. Recently, the couple has found a way to cope with the change, "Matthew and I have expensive tastes in wines and tobacco products, we order our cigarettes direct from European markets and used to love to go to our favorite neighborhood pub to enjoy our drinks and smokes with friends.

Since bars outlawed smoking, we find that we stay home more often and invite friends over to our apartment.

It turns out, we now can finance a very cost efficient weekly crack habit,… we save tons of money from no longer having to buy over-priced drinks or pay for cab fares. And crack is way more fun than just drinking."

Another aspect of the Bloomberg's health plan implemented that menus in chain restaurants, must carry calorie counts.

In order to combat the abundance of calories consumed, Bloomberg realizes that the problem runs deeper than just the people. It appears that the bulk of the calorie intake is embedded in the very infrastructure that the city is made up of.

Mayor Bloomberg declares, "It is now time to move into the second phase of the calorie listing initiative. Starting in September of 2013, all bridges, highways, tunnels, and high-rises will now have calories listed per-square units, or however, infrastructure is measured. I don't know, I'm a mayor, not an engineer."

Top medical advisers to the Bloomberg administration released a report listing the top culprits and other specifications; The George Washington Bridge, has entirely too many lanes-look at the trans-fat in the upper level alone, no wonder why it's constantly under construction. It needs some serious revision of its diet.

The new Yankee Stadium, is looks prettier, but looks can be deceiving, it's wider and completely bottom heavy. There is consumption of the more costly products, claiming to be healthy, but experts say these so-called "organic products" that result in price hikes, might just be marketing schemes and therefore, empty calories.

"The East River Bridges, The Williamsburg, the Queens-borough (Ed Koch Bridge), The Brooklyn Bridge, The Manhattan Bridge, as far as I'm concerned have all been getting a free ride, states Bloomberg, it is time they start showing results."

As far as City Field, advisers claim that if anything, it needs more fuel. Since its inception, it has the reputation for leaning towards the slightly mal-nourished side.

In a final statement, Mayor Bloomberg makes mention of the third phase of the New York's health initiative involving their Hudson River neighbor, New Jersey.

Talks have been in the works with Governor Christy. It seems after his life-time battle with weight, along with binging and purging behavior, Christy finally cries out for help to the mayor.

Bloomberg, "he has not been the same after he ate several miles of the Jersey Shore last fall. He lots of remorse, and we are working on projects to help him refrain from carrying on like he did during last year's hurricane season."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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