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Thursday, 13 June 2013

image for NSA Director - "We Stopped Over a Thousand Terrorist Attacks"
"If you don't allow us to abuse excessive unconstitutional power, the terrorists win."

WASHINGTON DC - NSA director Keith Alexander defended the NSA practice of recording all Americans' phone calls, tracking their locations by cellphone GPS, copying emails, and downloading web browser site visits and IP statistics with backdoor access built into software. In his appearance before the US Senate Appropriations Committee, he testified that lawlessness and utter contempt for the fourth amendment was necessary in the fight against terrorism.

Senators asked about al-Qaida being "decimated" according to White House press releases, and then requested an explanation for why the NSA keeps spying on every single American citizen. According to White House statistics, there have been zero confirmed Terrorist Attacks since President Obama took office. In fact, many senators believed it was time to repeal the Patriot Act and eliminate numerous executive powers which had been enacted for the "War on Terror." However, it was made clear by the NSA that only unaccountable bureaucrats led by an executive branch with absolute power could protect America.

Keith Alexander (NSA Director): Since Obama has been in the White House, there have been eight to twelve terrorist attacks on American soil each month. We never call them Terrorist Attacks ... that's all. Nidal Hasan's murder of 13 Americans at Fort Hood in 2009 has been declared "workplace violence," but everyone knows he took orders from al-Qaida. The FBI had him on the same tracking list that the Boston Marathon Bombers were on. He showed a PowerPoint presentation on "It's OK to Murder Americans" at a US Army base. We were reading all of his emails to terrorist Anwar al-Awlaki in Yemen, but we still classified him as having no connection to terrorism. If we can't use Gestapo-like tactics on law-abiding citizens -- the terrorists win.

The senators asked for list of the "thousands of terrorist attacks"; however, Director Alexander declined, saying "I can't show you ... it's all TOP SECRET." Throughout the testimony, self-contradictions and denials were fairly common. When asked if the NSA had the ability to read Americans' email, he replied "No, we cannot read people's email ... not even if we were sitting beside them, looking at their computer screen." There was also a ten minute period where Alexander denied having any knowledge of "the Patriot Act" or "anyone named Barack Hussein Obama."

Questions were raised about NSA policy on hiring High School Drop-Outs, and although answers seemed evasive, a few "non-discrimination rules" were revealed:

    In accordance equal-opportunity regulations, the National Security Administration (NSA) may hire idiots, a__holes, paranoid-delusional-drug-addicts, shellfish, and mafia muscle.

Further investigation into human relations at NSA led to the discovery of descriptions for employment positions. Under the job of NSA Director was a list of skill requirements:

    Applicants for NSA Director must be able to lie, and lie for extended time periods. Really big lies are important, with balls-in-your-face-sky-is-green lies as a minimum lying capacity.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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