Written by G. Brookings
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Wednesday, 12 June 2013

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The Hole Truth...

Remaining calm and collected through all the controversy attending the so-called scandals that have plagued Mr. Obama in his second term, many observers have remarked on how little the Administration and the various cabinet officers involved have been willing to admit any error, or even, any re-thinking of policies that Mr. Obama once campaigned against.

Gitmo is still operating; the IRS is still pursuing Tea Party groups; and James Clapper, head of the DNI, has been seen and heard denying to congress that any spying on Americans was occurring. As these examples mount and the administration begins to run out of "low level staffers" to pin the blame on, the President's enemies and many in the press began increasingly to hint that the administration was misleading the public or at least being hypocritical. Some even uttered the L word (i.e, "lying" not "lesbian"). But, at long last the administration has blown way the clouds of suspicion by issuing a press release that explains and clarifies what had seemed an obtuse and stubborn refusal to admit any errors of judgment or missteps committed by top officials or the president himself.

"It is not true," the press release, issued by Eric Holder's Department of Truth and Justice, states, "that Mr. Obama and Administration officials learned of these various scandals and low level shenanigans from the press. We knew of these low-level people all along, but could not say so, for reasons of national security, while our investigations were under way." The President's spokesperson, Jay Carney, clarified that any admission of error or weakness on the part of the administration would be taken by terrorists as an invitation to attack. And therefore it was necessary to deny even the appearance of error. When asked whether the announcement signaled a return to the old policy of telling the plain truth, Carney accused reporters of deliberate obtuseness. "The truth is too complex and multi-sided to be released to the public. Only a select few are able to handle it safely. And nothing substantive can be said while we investigate these low-level staffers in the Department of Truth and Justice, the Department of State and the IRS."

When challenged to defend the propriety of the administration investigating itself, Carney said the administration knew what it was doing and that this was, in the president's infallible opinion, the best way to proceed in order to protect national security. "You seem to have missed the point," Carney insisted, "the President has never been wrong about anything in his life and he does not intend to start being wrong now! The security of the American people depends on it."

When astonished reporters wondered aloud how they could do their jobs of reporting if the administration reserved the right to say whatever was expedient and to share no actual facts or data, Carney laughed, "Don't ask me how, but the President knew you would ask that. He suggests that every white house correspondent check his or her mail for a forthcoming invitation to the visit a local IRS auditor. Later we'll talk some more about the truth and who knows what," Carney deadpanned.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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