HEAVEN-St. Peter announced today that God would no longer be endorsing the popular dating site Christian Mingle, the site that boasts that it will "Find God's Match for You." God was especially disappointed when he tried to meet someone who, like Him, is interested in religious issues. He asked for a blond middle-aged woman with an acute interest in religion, and ended up being paired off with Annie Laurie Gaylor, co-founder of the Freedom From Religion Foundation and editor of the anthology Women Without Superstition: "No Gods-No Masters." Explained St. Peter: "The date, needless to say, did not go well."
God is also concerned, St. Peter said, with the recent rape controversy that the newsmagazine Geraldo At Large reported on involving a client of Christian Mingle. If a rape occurs on earth, St. Peter explained, God wants to be the one responsible, as God's spokesman Richard Mourdock expressed so succinctly when he ran unsuccessfully for the Senate last year.
Finally, St. Peter added, God is kind of annoyed by the advertisements for Christian Mingle-"Find God's Match for You." God said, according to St. Peter, "If you are voluntarily going, of your own free will, to a dating site, then I'm not the one finding your match. You are, genius." St. Peter said God resignedly shook his head and again expressed the opinion that He sometimes wishes His followers were a little smarter, like the atheists.