Washington DC -- With the nation trembling from recent threats by film critics, pressure cooker salesmen, wise guy journalists and wanna-be movie stars, enforcement agencies are demanding greater authority to monitor and control America.
Meanwhile, civil libertarians caution that by restricting our freedoms, we will destroy the very values that make the nation great.
Enter Congress. In a surprise flurry of agreement, federal legislators are imposing a solution, passing a sweeping law that will ration the Bill of Rights.
Devised by a recently sequestered IRS party planner, the balancing act will "reposition" basic freedoms by assigning them to defined calendar dates.
Specifically, even-numbered Bill of Rights amendments will be enforced only on even numbered days. And odd numbered provisions will apply only on odd numbered days.
"Security and liberty are not compatible items," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, (Democrat-Nevada). "But we want them both to flourish in America. So why not give each its own time frame, so they won't be butting heads every minute?"
Fully supporting the measure, House Speaker John Boehner (Republican-Ohio) declared that America's basic rights are overworked. "They've been at it for over 200 years. They deserve a rest. Why shouldn't freedom of speech have the occasional day off?"
Other members of Congress defined The Rights Balancing Act as a boon to the individual American.
"This rationing system will give our citizens a deeper appreciation of their liberty," said Sen. Chuck Schumer (Democrat-New York). "For instance, a reporter might find himself in jail because he was snooping around on an 'even' day. We will give him five years to contemplate the powerful impact freedom of the press has on his profession."
Civil libertarians, meanwhile, are reserving judgment on the scheme.
"We will need a couple of months to analyze the legislation, because we're really bad at math, so this odd/even thing kind of has us stumped," a spokesperson for the ANCLU (Americans, Not Communists, for Liberty Unlimited) told a recent press conference. "By the way, are any of you familiar with integers?"
Federal enforcement agencies refused to directly comment on the new law. Instead, the FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, and KFC (yes, the colonel was a spy) issued a joint statement, denying their mutual cooperation. It declared: "This is an even numbered day, so you can go f**k yourself."