Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 8 June 2013

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ShonToya Affengriffon is currently in the Eugene City Jail and her bail has been set at $700,000.

EUGENE, Oregon - Local authorities in Eugene are reporting that they have taken a woman into custody and bail has been set at $700,000.

Early Friday, Eugene police were called to an address on Lumberjack Lane after getting a call that a woman had tried to trade her elderly aunt for an iPhone.

Police identified the woman as ShonToya Affengriffon, 57. They stated that her aunt's name is Lorraine Mackinaw. Ms. Mackinaw is 79, and speaks with a Dutch accent.

After questioning Ms. Affengriffon, Eugene police officer Scanlon Tutwiler, commented that she tried to sell her aunt to a neighbor identified as Narcisco Bangdoodle, 68, who stated that he is an unemployed Walmart greeter.

When Ms. Affengriffon was asked why in the world she would try and sell her elderly aunt for an iPhone she simply replied that she wanted to talk to her boy toy boyfriend who is presently incarcerated down at The Abbott and Costello Men's Prison in Ventura, California.

When Mr. Bangdoodle was asked why he wanted to trade his iPhone to Ms. Affengriffon for her aunt he just shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Well I reckon it be 'cause I jes happens ta have me two iPhones and I really only needs ta be having da one."

SIDENOTE: Eugene police took 79-year-old Lorraine Mackinaw out of the home on Lumberjack Lane and she is presently staying with her twin sister Tootles Mackinaw in Walla Walla, Washington.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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