Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Topics: Catholic, Cincinnati

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

image for Catholic Hospital in Cincinnati Insists All Its Unmarried Female Employees Convert to Catholicism and Take a Virginity Pledge

CINCINNATI-The St. Mary of Perpetual Virginity Hospital, part of the larger Renunciation of the Blessed Virgin Mary Hospital system in Cincinnati, OH, has issued a proclamation that all of its unmarried female employees hired after July 1 must, as a condition of their employment, convert to Catholicism and take a virginity pledge.

Explained Archdiocese of Cincinnati Bishop Donald M. Schlurrrrp: "We're a Catholic institution, and we want to keep on being a Catholic institution; and that's getting harder and harder all the time with most Catholics completely ignoring the Church's teaching on birth control. So if we can't make Catholics the way God intended, we'll make Catholics by hitting women where it hurts-in their pocketbooks."

When the Bishop was asked by a reporter why, when even most Catholics are no longer virgins nowadays by the time they marry, the Catholic Church should insist that all of its female employees take a virginity pledge, Bishop Schlurrrp exclaimed, "They aren't?"

Another reporter from the Cincinnati Query attempted to ask his Excellency a follow-up question, but Bishop Schlurrrp had already returned to the book he was reading, Lady Chatterly's Lover, to see what happened in its climax.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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