WASHINGTON (AP)-Days after Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez called President George W. Bush "the devil" during a speech to the United Nations, an accusation Chavez repeated on Thursday at a church in Harlem, Bush publicly revealed that he is indeed The Devil at a White House news conference.
Bush appeared at a podium dressed in a black cape, wearing a Pentagram about his neck, and sporting some pointy horns on the side of his head.
"I am indeed Lucifer," Bush intoned. "I am Satan, the Anti-Christ, the Fallen Angel, the Devil, El Diablo, and Beelzebub of the Bible, who is bringing about the destruction of all life on Earth. I am the Prince of Darkness, Astaroth, and Belial, all rolled into one!"
"Many of you have suspected as much, given my evil, destructive policies which have caused untold deaths of the innocent throughout the world on behalf of the oil industry, Israel, and the US armaments industry. Well, I am very glad to assure you that I am indeed His Infernal Majesty. Bow down below me or face your doom!"
When skeptical reporters refused to bow down before Devil Bush as President Bush insisted he now be called, Bush unleashed bolts of lightning in the press room that scorched the ceiling and hit a reporter from the Washington Post on the posterior, igniting his trousers.
Bush also performed some card tricks, and managed to successfully identify several hidden cards for dubious reporters. He also exhibited mind reading abilities, and even successfully changed some wine into water.
"The Apocalypse is nigh," concluded Bush. "I am bringing about Armageddon by promoting Global Warming which is causing drought and famine in the corn states and everywhere else, by grabbing and stealing oil from Iraq to boost the profits of Exxon Mobil and Chevron Texaco, and by following the orders of Israel to destroy their perceived enemies, which allows them to steal the land of the Palestinians."
Bush went on to state that the American people are basically hogs. "Oink, oink," said Bush.
"My people are deluded energy hogs, they are food hogs and just plain boars. They are consuming the resources of the world like total pigs. They think the world revolves around America. They live in monster homes and drive gas gobbling cars. Oink! Oink!!! Oink!!!!" Devil Bush asserted.
"Well, I'm gonna let them continue this idiotic policy, and not conserve energy and stuff, cause I'm Lucifer and I can do anything I want! I'm gonna attack Syria and Iran too, cause that's what Satan would do, but I'm Satan so I'm gonna do it anyway."