ROME--Pope Francis, after astounding everyone last week by announcing that even atheists can be redeemed, went a step further today and proclaimed that all atheists are infallible. Pope Francis elaborated: "The Church has misled all of us, all of us, with this infallibility bullshit, except for the atheists. 'Father, all of us except the atheists?' Yes, my children, all of us except the atheists."
Pope Francis also announced today that the idea of the after-life was a charade created by Christianity to scare the hell out of weak-minded believers; and that, for Catholics at least, Sunday Mass would now be re-christened as Sunday Bingo, with the proceeds from this weekly secular celebration to be distributed to the poor worldwide.
On an unrelated issue, Pope Francis reiterated his opposition to unregulated laissez-faire capitalism. He said: "Make no mistake about it. Ayn Rand, and her lapdogs, are vile, despicable people. And if Paul Ryan is a Catholic, I'm the-oh, wait."