The American law that states US citizens have the right to bear arms was actually intended to allow people the right to arm bears, it has emerged.
The ambiguous legal phrasing, which has been a topic of controversy in the states for years, is said to have been "misinterpreted" after historians found images of bears holding rifles and operating missile silos.
"It's easy to see how this could have happened," said Mark Denham, professor of animal weapon wielding at Harvard University. "Back then everyone was either drunk or had been driven insane by an untreated bout of syphilis - it's quite amazing that anything was written down at all."
"I mean think about it… the right to bear arms, who talks like that? It's far more likely that our ancestors wanted bears blowing stuff up on a regular basis. It's way cooler. Anyone who says they don't get wood at the thought of giving one of those albino bears a flamethrower is a fucking liar, and probably a terrorist."
"It makes real sense when you look at it rationally; American humans clearly aren't cut out for owning weapons. The statistics really speak for themselves on that. It will be interesting to see if this does much to change the cartoon Yogi Bear. I for one would like to see him taking picnic baskets from middleclass families via brute tactical force."
"I've already been on Amazon and ordered a tank and some antique Vietcong landmines for my bear," said John McSisterfuck from Texas. "He was formerly part of a Russian circus so should already be crazed and homicidal enough to take out a town or two. I'm expecting great things."