Written by Adam Goldberg
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Monday, 27 May 2013

NEW ORLEANS, LA -- Reports out of Baton Rouge confirm the state capital's effort to "intensify" gun violence across the state of Louisiana by aiming to obtain an equal ratio of magazine clips to issues of People Weekly inside medical facilities, defending the new legislation as "just what the doctor ordered!"

The Louisiana Legislature fears the people's reaction to this new legislation. "The fact that all of these other states are trying to pass laws trying to take away our guns, it's just unconstitutional. I mean, they might as well take our kids while they're at it..it's ridiculous," said Lafayette resident Mark Windstrum.

Louisiana Lawmakers expressed that this issue is one of concern for the people. Louisiana Senator David Vitter echoed their message by commenting, "Listen, this issue is a concern of the people. People need these magazine clips so they don't have to waste time reloading. So, as a lawmaking body, we took the two words our constituents had the most concern about, 'People' and 'Magazine,' and we have decided to have one magazine clip for every People Magazine."

In a press conference, Louisiana Congressman, Steve Scalise declared, "We've really been trying our hardest. Some people may have expressed discontent with local government, but just remember the results that we've shown. On Mother's Day, one of the most beloved days of the year, nineteen people were shot, including two ten year old children. That's what I call a day's work! And I'm proud to announce we are still the murder capital of the world! It's just kind of disheartening when a man tries to set a church on fire like what happened in Gentilly last Tuesday. Arson just isn't our thing."

Before departing, Scalise added these parting words, "We're not the 'Arson Capital of the World,' so let's just stick to what we do best: murder."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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