Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Monday, 27 May 2013

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Fred Phelps, leader of Westboro Baptist Church, died suddenly on Tuesday at a military funeral while screaming and waving a sign that read God Hates Fags. Only minutes later, the renowned leader found himself in heaven, before God's throne, blinking his eyes uncontrollably as he read the t-shirt God was wearing: "If God Hates Gays, Why Are We So Cute?"

Jesus, sitting on the right side of his Father, was sporting a t-shirt that read, "Being an Ignorant Bigot Is a Choice. Being Gay Is Not."

Phelps, apoplectic, sputtered, "Almighty, are YOU gay?"

To which God replied, "Yes, Fred, I am."

"And Jesus, too, is he gay?"

God: "Didn't you know that being gay was genetic, Fred?"

Mary, off to the side and wearing a t-shirt that read, "God Hates Fag Haters," shook her head sadly.

At this point, God told Phelps that he would not spend eternity in hell, in spite of a life-time of spreading hate and vitriol, but would have to spend 2,000 years as a doyen at the Stonewall National Museum and Archives in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

Phelps, overcome by God's infinite compassion and forgiveness, suffered a second heart attack right then and there, but was revived by a gay paramedic, who administered CPR on the old man.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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