BILLINGSGATE POST: Not your normal man-bites-dog story. Police in Junction City, Kansas arrested a 24 year old male for attacking a woman with a dangerous weapon; her own false teeth.
Miles Worthington of Junction City needed a little cash. Knowing that Club 66 was a watering spot for aged divorcees looking for a quick roll in the hay, he decided to test his luck. Within seconds of taking his seat at the bar, the bartender told him the lady down three stools was buying him a drink.
Miles politely tipped his Stetson and nodded to the lady, who winked back at him with an eye that seemed capable of undressing a young man, even while closed.
Ms. Francine Terwilliger-Cross, recently divorced from a rancher who she found copulating with a black angus heifer, wanted better things for herself after leaving the convent at the age of 42. Throwing away her beads and black robes, she set about finding her a real man. After years of being sequestered from such animals, how was she to know that her handsome Ralphie was bi-mammal?
After plying young Miles with more than a couple of Jack Daniels and Pepsi, the comely Francine gave him a G-rated lap dance. Then, with a come-hither glance, she invited him back to her double-wide that her ex-husband allowed her to park next to the cow barn where he had deflowered the heifer.
Before going down on Miles, she asked him if he would mind if she put her false teeth on the dresser. From what was later reported to the county sheriff, it appears that while she was giving Miles what she called an "air start," the young cowboy picked up the false teeth from the dresser and bit her on the back of her neck with her very own choppers.
He called it a "Cougar hickey." She called it an embarrassing bruise. In any event, Miles Worthington claims that he can't be held responsible because Francine was twice his age and shouldn't have tempted him. You be the jury on this one.