Written by Erik North
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Thursday, 23 May 2013

image for Parents May Not Be Strict Enough
Rule number 217: Absolutely no selfies

DES MOINES-Studies have shown recently that parents may be raising their kids wrong.

"For years parents have believed that it's ok, and even a good thing, to give their kids some freedom," said child and teen psychologist Harold Berzinski in an interview, "but that may not be the case."

Berzinski believes that the stricter a parent is the better. He suggests that parents start giving their kids strict curfews to "make sure they're home by three" and to "never let them out of the house past then." This is to ensure that kids and teens do not go out and party or join gangs, which is much more common than widely believed.

It is a fact that 6 out of every 10 kids aged 8 to 12 are gang members and 9 out of every 10 teenagers are in gangs. More often than not, their parents are completely oblivious to the fact. Berzinski goes on to explain how important it is to know your child's conversations.

He says parents should bug their kids room, record their phone conversations, and hack their email. This further ensures good behavior because the kids would not be able to conspire the way they do. 100% of people will conspire to murder before the age of 18, with 87% of those conspiracies carried out. Monitoring conversations prevents these conspiracies.

Other things he suggests are making then wear "uniforms" so they don't dress inappropriately, never letting them eat sugary foods, and giving them extra homework along with a long list of chores to keep them busy doing you want them to do.

The list of suggested rules are as follows:

1: Children and teens shall have a strict three o'clock (pm) curfew.

2: Children and teens should have a long list of chores to keep them occupied after school.

3: Children and teens shall refer to their parents as "mother" and "father" and never by terms of endearment such as mama and papa, even as infants.

4: Parents should know their kids conversations. They should bug their rooms, record their phone conversations, and read their emails. No text messaging should be allowed.

5: Interweb sites such as Tumblr, TwitTube, and Facespace should be blocked. Only email and academic sites should be allowed.

6: Children and teens should have uniform clothes to wear everyday. These uniforms should be similar to school uniforms, reaching down to the ankles and wrists. No shorts or t-shirts.

7:They should never have sugary food or drink.

8:Parents should set up a regulated schedule so the child knows what they should be doing at all tines of the day and the choice should never be left up to them (a.k.a. no free time).

The list goes on.

Berzinski says these rules are solid ground for good behavior and even promote good parent-child relationships. They will also prepare the child for the "real world".

Berzinski has recently conducted an 18 year long experiment involving two families. Both families bore a son around the same time. The first family, family A, raised the child how they previously thought was best, while the second family, family B, raised the child how Dr. Berzinski suggested. Not surprisingly, the son of family A was extremely misbehaved.

The parents caught him drinking and doing drugs, and there is suspicion that he was a member of a gang. The son of family B however, was not. He was a model citizen despite the fact that he wasn't really a part of society. He never broke a rule because the harsh punishments suggested by Dr. Berzinski wasn't worth breaking the rules.

When asked about the boys happiness, the mother replied, "of course he's not happy, but that's not important. He does what we [the father and her] want him to, and that's what's important. We've never been happier."

The experiment was documented and will be turned into a reality TV show titled Life According To Berzinski.

"Furthermore," said Berzinski in his interview, "every child is similar, almost exactly the same in personality and behavior, so all parents should raise their kids the same way, and there's nothing wrong with raising your kids based on what you read in an article, because they will all react the same no matter what."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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