Written by Nadia Almasalkhi
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Monday, 20 May 2013

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Barack Obama, in an impromptu press conference in August of 2012, vowed that the United States would intervene to end Syria's then eighteen-month massacre should President Bashar Al-Assad use chemical weapons, saying, "We have been very clear to the Assad regime, but also to other players on the ground, that a red line for us is we start seeing a whole bunch of chemical weapons moving around or being utilized. That would change my calculus. That would change my equation. ... We're monitoring that situation very carefully. We have put together a range of contingency plans."

Eight months later, the White House revealed, "Our intelligence community does assess with varying degrees of confidence that the Syrian regime has used chemical weapons on a small scale in Syria, specifically the chemical agent sarin." Upon this announcement, many advocates of intervention in Syria rejoiced that the red line had at last been crossed, and that American intervention would finally put the carnage to end.

Responding to the pressure to act put on by many anti-Assad groups, the POTUS said, "While it is clear that a line has been crossed, it is not clear whether or not that line is red. The exact shade of the line has yet to be ascertained. At this point, the line could be vermillion, or perhaps even terra cotta. We're really waiting on word back from our Lowes paint color consultant before making any moves." Now the political leanings of Lowes are playing a major role in global events, analysts say. Princeton professor of Pigments and Politics 105, Ian Cassini, has noted the company's anti-Islamic leanings, pointing to the incident where the hardware store pulled their advertisements from airing during the reality-TV show "All-American Muslim" in 2011. "It is possible," Cassini says, "that the color specialist may purposely manipulate lighting or misprint color swatch cards, resulting in a potential misdiagnosis of the hue." As we are all aware, if the hue only resembles red, then thousands of Syrian civilians will be left alone to fight off one of the most powerful armies in the Middle East, which has already killed approximately 80,000 people in the past two years. "The blue levels are really paramount in determining the color," Cassini adds.

When questioned on the details of Obama's "contingency plans," the White House responded that scheduling an appointment with an optometrist was the next step for the president. Recently released medical records reveal that there is a history of color blindness in the Obama family. Should an eye exam reveal color blindness-or even color deficiency-in the president, analysts suspect that an entirely new, adjusted color wheel will have to be constructed to determine whether or not anyone should stop dictator Bashar Al-Assad from committing further crimes against humanity.

Meanwhile, civilians in Syria point out that the color literally coating their streets is a blood red, which is commonly considered to be the pure red color. Capitol Hill has yet to make any comments supporting or contradicting these statements. "Dr. Steinberg's office is booked through June," Speaker of the House John Boehner has said. "Until the eye exam is complete, nothing can be done." When their officials were questioned on what the next move will be if it turns out that Al-Assad indeed crossed the red line, the Pentagon published the designs of new military uniforms fitting this possible red color scheme. "What's really important here is that we get the all the shades right. Forces may clash on the ground in Syria, but the colors will not!"

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