NYC, September 11, 2006 In an extraordinary sales pitch on the fifth anniversary of the terrorist attacks on New York City and the Pentagon, President George W. Bush announced the introduction of the "9/11 Doormat", the proceeds of which will go to the Karl Rove [White House Deputy Chief of Staff] Defense Fund.
"Support the troops"
The President and his wife, Laura ("Pickles") Bush demonstrated the hard-wearing qualities of the doormat by wiping dirt from "Ground Zero" (the still-unfilled site of the World Trade Center complex) onto the mat.
As he scuffed his shoes on the image of "Old Glory", Bush remarked, "It is every patriotic American's duty to buy one of these mats and use it several times a day. These mats can stay the course, see. By doing this simple thing, Americans can support the troops and fight Islamic fascism around the world."
When asked by reporters about the connection between doormats and "Islamic fascism", the President abruptly snapped, "Nothing". Further questioning about the meaning of the term "Islamic fascism" as used by the President, and Mr. Bush's close personal relationship with the Saudi royal family, whose titles include "Keepers of the Holy Places [of Islam]" elicited the following answer. "I'm the decider, see. I make decisions, and I make decisions about things like fascism, and I decide who's fascist and who's not. Just buy one of these mats, this is all I'm asking you to do. And if you don't buy one of these mats, the choice is clear. Do you want to fight the terrorists here, or do you want America to win the war against the evil-doers?"
Mrs. Bush's comments
At this point, Mrs. Bush stepped onto the image of the American flag, and coated the Stars and Stripes with mud and debris from the WTC site. "Bushie and I just love the flag," she explained, while smearing one of the stars on the mat with a particularly large lump of dirt. "We love it so much that we will now see it every day as we walk in and out of the White House. And we've bought one for the Western White House, too [a reference to the pig farm in Crawford, Texas, where Mr. Bush spends so much of his time] so when Bushie comes in from a hard day's work deciding things on his mountain bike, he's reminded of our great nation and the freedoms and liberty we all enjoy as a result of Bushie's great policies and hard work." At this point, Secret Service agents hustled the pale and suddenly tight-lipped Mrs. Bush to the nearest bathroom.
Karl Rove Defense?
Mr. Bush continued with the sales promotion. When asked about the existence of the Karl Rove Defense Fund, given that Mr. Rove has yet to be charged with any crime, Mr. Bush replied that "we have to be prepared and plan ahead". When asked how this statement could be squared with the lack of foresight as shown in the WTC attacks, and in the lack of preparation for Hurrican Katrina last year, as well as the lack of planning for the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq, Mr. Bush abruptly walked out of the informal press gathering making obscene gestures and muttering incoherently to himself.
The "9/11 Doormat [TM]" may be purchased for $199.95 (including shipping, but excluding local taxes) by calling 1-800-BUY-BUSH (1-800-289-2874).