WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A bipartisan coalition of Democrats and Republicans, both in and out of office, have united to stop what they call the "rampant excesses of sex and violence on television."
Former vice president Dan Quayle spearheaded the effort, actually drafting the bill. Former second lady Tipper Gore, who had previously led the campaign for Parental Advisory Labels on music CDs containing obscene or violent lyrics, worked behind the scenes to gain Democrat support for the measure which would require all television sets, new and used, to sport a prominent warning label.
Republicans as a group supported the bill as they are constitutionally opposed to "too much frivolity in the public sphere." According to former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, "Excess gaity and excitement can lead to light-headedness, which if unchecked can lead to air-headedness and, the next thing you know, you've got people having liberal thoughts. We can't let that happen in freedom-loving America."
The Democrats who supported the bill were generally from conservative "Red States," or were one of the 37 Democratic Senators currently vying for the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination. According to Democrat advisor and political pundit James Carville, "Both of these groups need to reach out to the mainstream American voter who generally prefers tasteful to tasteless, American Idol results notwithstanding."
"Idol" contestant William Hung was unavailable for comment.
President George W. Bush said that while he hoped this law would help get "gratuitous sex and unnecessary violence" off the airwaves, he was concerned that these terms be interpreted responsibly. "For example, I certainly would not want to see 'Beavis and Butthead' cancelled. I wouldn't even know how to laugh if I hadn't watched that show on a regular basis."
Unfortunately for almost of the all parties in the coalition, a failure to carefully proofread the bill before it was signed may keep it from having the precise impact the bill's sponsors intended. An expert on error checking from the International Institute for Typographical Eras, Gil Smithers, said that the bill "as ritten" would warn of certain forms of brass and string musical instruments from being seen and heard on television. The large label, which will look like a bandaid, will warn viewers: "Beware this set may broadcast audio or visual representations of sax and violins."
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-N.Y.) said she still supported "this flawed bill" as way to keep "my flawed Bill a little more low-profile, off Letterman and from making any more guest appearances on Soul Train," although she did not explain how this would do that. Clinton continued, "I have said, 'It Takes a Village to Raise a Child.' I might add it takes the Village People to raise a teenager. Their kind of music generates a wholesome excitement along with socially acceptable group dancing for all ages. And, you will notice, on their timeless classic song Y.M.C.A. there is neither a saxaphone or even a viola."
In related news: Across the nation on Tuesday, the traditional karaoke night, karaoke fans took a moment to meditate and send good thoughts as the original Cop in the Village People, Victor Willis, who wrote Y.M.C.A. and Macho Man, entered rehab after his conviction on multiple drug charges.
Copyright 2006, Douglas Salguod