Written by Douglas Salguod
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Topics: Congress, Energy

Monday, 18 September 2006

image for US Congress Is Solution to World Energy Crisis
Crawford's Statue of Freedom replaced atop the US Capitol Dome with a stylish Enron derrick

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Enron, the world's largest natural gas company, today announced during a public ceremony tapping the Capitol Dome that it has solved the world energy crisis. "Our latest tests show that the Capitol produces more natural gas daily than the combined output of Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, Uzbekistan and several other notable Stans," said Enron's Dr. Ernst Farzengruper.

Gas generation, he said, is primarily a Senate byproduct. While the House of Representatives also manufactures substantial amounts of gaseous substances, Dr. Farzengruper noted that its natural gas is diluted by large quantities of hot air.

"As a fossil fuel, natural gas is much more naturally and purely produced by the Senate," concluded Dr. Farzengruper.

Environmentalists are ecstatic at this news, noting that capping the Capitol would immediately reduce U.S. emissions of the major greenhouse gasses methane, ethane, propane, butane and inane by an amount several times larger than that called for over the next decade by the Kyoto Accords.

Some concern was expressed by a consulting engineer from Lousiana State University about the long-term prospects for this find. Dr. D.P. Leiputz said that his mathematical simulations show that the loss of Senator Edward "Teddy" Kennedy, (D-Mass.), could dramatically change future production rates.

"Senator Kennedy expels each day the natural gas equivalent of 200 rotting whales. So, the Senator's health, of course, concerns us. If the Senator were to pass, while it would certainly lead to a temporary spike in production, eventually his quota would have to be replaced. None of the younger senators seem capable of producing even a fraction of Senator Kennedy's daily output," said Leiputz.

In addition, Professor Leiputz indicated that the proposed ban on filibusters of judicial nominees could cut total gas yield by a factor of two.

Alternate sources are being sought. Tests on the White House, unfortunately, indicate that the copious volumes of natural gas it produces cannot be harvested at this time as it is quickly sucked into a localized but seemingly permanent vacuum in the West Wing, according to one expert, Dr. Bart Cummins, Jr., of Goins Engineering, Inc.

Early tests on the press briefing room are promising, however, said Dr. H. M. Crump, an engineering specialist with Chevron.

In related news: Due to extremely windy conditions, tests British Petroleum were set to make on Parliament have been postponed yet again.

Copyright 2006, Douglas Salguod

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