WASHINGTON, DC - "Let me tell you: the Irish know more than a useful thing or two about the infamous butt burp, and that's saying something!" said U.S. Vice-President Joe Biden while speaking from the podium in his eulogy to fallen MIT police officer, Sean Collier. The believed-popular politician made an unannounced appearance during his whistle-stop tour to promote his new coffee table book, "What's That Smell? A Trip Deep Inside America's Collective Colon," featuring the wacky adventures of the veep's mischievous cartoon creation, Shitz the Cat.
"Just take a look at that Collier family," the Vice-President challenged the largely stunned crowd from the patriotically-decorated dais at St. Patrick's Church in Stoneham, Massachusetts. "I'll bet not a single one of them has ever escaped a case of the winds after chowing down a wafer from holy mass. Why, if Shitz were here, he'd lead you all in a chant, but instead of shouting 'U-S-A, U-S-A,' it'd be 'S-B-D, S-B-D'!"
Long referred to as the intellectual drain on the Democratic Party, Biden launched his second career as author to the series of coffee table books popular with three- to seven-year-olds during the latter half of his first term in office for the White House. His target? America's languishing morale. He intended to give citizens - legal or otherwise - something to laugh about while teaching them what he personally believed important about our nation's heritage. In these tales, Shitz has done it all, uncovering the Founders' secret call for gun seizure buried deep in the Magna Carta (a document they never wrote) and even sailing to Mexico to deliver the message of 'mi casa su casa' to a tribe of indigenous peoples in dire need of Food Stamps.
"We Americans have long taken ourselves way to f**king serious," Biden told political correspondents from Twilight's Magazine. "My wife, Jill, and I created Shitz in order to show Americans it was time to laugh again. It was okay to laugh again. Laughter is a big deal. It's a big f**king deal. And Shitz knows how to not only laugh but also how to bring out the best in others."
In 'What's That Smell?' Shitz comes face-to-face with the American obesity problem.
"It's a crisis," Biden continued. "It's killing us all. It's the cause of our unemployment. It's the cause of our slowed economy. It's what's causing people to take guns into schools to murder innocent children. It caused the Housing Crisis. It's definitely what killed Kennedy. If we don't get it under control - if we don't do everything possible to get it into some form of taxable activity - I daresay it'll bring this great nation to its knees, if not its growing ass."