Dallas, Texas -- Former Vice President Dick Cheney missed most of the ceremonies dedicating the George W. Bush Library here. Federal Library Enforcement Agency (FLEA) officers pulled him out of the crowd to issue over two dozen citations for overdue books.
"I can't understand how this happened," a visibly embarrassed Cheney said. "My intelligence sources indicated that every one of these books had been read and returned.
"I recommend mobilizing a neutral force to enter the library and find the books in question."
As a result of the FLEA action, Cheney has been barred from all libraries, bookstores and Starbucks until he pays fines ranging upwards of $60. What's more, his library card has been folded, spindled and mutilated.
"This is W's work," Cheney said. "He's still pissed at me over some little advice I gave him that didn't work out."
Asked to name the titles of the overdue volumes, Cheney admitted that the books cited by the government had played an important role in shaping his career.
"War And Peace is on the list," the former vice president noted. "That's a big book, but I saved tons of time by only reading the war parts."
Shotgun Safety is among the missing. "It's too bad I didn't read that one years ago. It would've really cut down on my legal fees."
Adolf Hitler's Mein Kampf was cited as another Cheney favorite. "I tried to grow a mustache like that once, but I guess it doesn't work if you don't do the jail time."
Cheney likes Gulliver's Travels because "it's one of the few books that doesn't take the side of the little guy. It's the big man in this book who scrapes the opposition off the bottom of his shoes."
The vice president couldn't explain how the soft core porn novel Fifty Shades of Grey got on his list of overdue books. "You'll have to ask the little woman about that one," he said.
When contacted, Lynne Cheney said that the risqué book has become a comforting bedtime companion to her husband. "There are apparently some exercise moves in that book that Dick is trying out. They seem to relax him."