Written by plinth course
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Topics: Obesity, Smoking

Saturday, 16 September 2006

image for Segway Injuries Linked to Childhood Obesity, Smoking, Clinton…
Moon NOT on the blame list. Yet.

Bedford, NH -- A highly placed manager in the company has told this reporter that - after the most recent recall has died down - Segway has a new plan for handling any software problems associated with the popular (and first-born priced) transporter: Lay blame on childhood obesity, smoking or Clinton (Bill). Hillary will be held rather lightly in abeyance until the ‘08 election cycle.

The astounding revelation was obtained on deep background. Readers may be curious about the setup for that little bit of Press Heaven but it's confidential. Sorry.

Well, OK.

My source, Hi (short for "head injury" - HIS idea), contacted me through a mutual friend a few days after the briefing, suggesting that I, "the little blonde," may want to meet him for an "insider's view" of the company. His hints of "in kind" trades went over my empty little head (I don't do quid pro quo, yaw mean?), so I decided to meet him at a local bar. Like, what could happen (giggle)?

After a couple of Black Russians (The drink! Shame on you!), I got him really going, and by the time I hinted lap dancing, he was talking his ass off. The scoop was worth the fight club scene, to me anyway, and when he slobbered his kinky "needs" I knew I had him by the short ones. He didn't guess, but his confesión was as close as he was going to come to relief. Freedom of the press, babe.

Hi divulged that he had developed a secret plan (WAIT, a flashback!) to shift blame for future programming errors on completely illogical, possibly bizarre, causes. Hi was convinced that parents would buy the obesity excuse because nowadays none but the most emaciated child escapes the fat farm, what with the hysteria about it in the MSM. Hi thought this one was the winner.

But just in case that flopped, Hi has a backup plan to blame smoking. The real bonus was that he would pin it on SECOND hand smoke for the best cover. This one, too, is so hysterically treated by the MSM that he felt sure most people would believe it. Hi had a less than sterling view of the gen. pop. in America, slurring: "Day'll shiddin' bleeb wah CRAP I shay dah bleeb."

But Hi was WAY too ecstatic with his Clinton (Bill ‘n' Hill) backup, telling me that he could blame cancer on him, global warming on her, and get by with it.

As I extracted myself from his monkey-love grip, I gave him the universal "call me" sign and a phony phone number.

And an email address with .orgASM in the top-level domain. That'll teach him to fuck with the press.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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