WASHINGTON, DC, Tuesday In an extraordinary move designed to allay the fears of the American people that the United States will not be condoning torture as it becomes the first major nation to abandon the century-old Geneva Convention guaranteeing humane standards of waging war and standards for treatment of prisoners of war, President George W. Bush today announced that he, together with Vice President Cheney, will personally have the proposed "tough interrogation" techniques demonstrated on nationwide television by members of the Executive Branch, including the President and Vice President,.
"Americans should understand," claimed Bush in a press conference yesterday, "that we are not abandoning the principles on which this country was founded. We will return to the values of the Pilgrim Fathers, who fought evil wherever they could find it, in Salem, Massachusetts and elsewhere throughout this great land of ours. And we will use modern American mightitude to eliminate evil from the earth, so we're calling this program 'Pilgrim Values'. There are some who say that we are being too tough, and I understand that. But, see, we're going to be tough in a good cause and we're not going to be too tough because we never stop thinking of ways to harm America. As we say down in Texas, 'When the snake bites you, it's time to get off the pot.' So me and my good friend Dick Cheney, we personally are going to show you exactly what's going to happen to those Islamic fascist evil-doers. And I'm so confident that you'll enjoy these new techniques, that my good friend and colleague, Senator John McCain, has offered to be the first person we're going to use to show you all these new interrogation techniques. My good friend and former Secretary of State Colin Powell will also be appearing as a subject of these improved techniques."
"Disgrace to America"
Senator John McCain [R-AZ], who was captured and tortured by North Vietnam in the Vietnam war, and has been a consistent opponent of George W. Bush on this issue, spoke to reporters yesterday.
"This is the first I've heard from this crazy faux-Texan [George W. Bush, a reference to the Connecticut-based Bush family's claims to be from Texas] about this subject. Let's make it clear; what the President is advocating is that the United States of America will be the only free country in the world to make torture an official state institution. This is not only a disgrace to America, it puts our troops in danger. If we condone torture, Americans around the world, not only our troops, but our civilians, are in danger of being randomly abducted and tortured by any of the 90% of the rest of the world that loathes and fears America as a result of Bush's policies. If Bush and Cheney try to torture anyone on nationwide TV, rest assured that the same techniques will be applied to them."
The truth about Iraq?
Former Secretary of State Colin Powell, when informed of Senator McCain's remarks, agreed. "Mr. Bush is putting America into the same league with North Korea and other violent dictatorships by his policies. We do not need torture, which only produces the results that the torturer wants to hear. I therefore recommend that these techniques be demonstrated on Bush and Cheney and shown on nationwide TV. As a loyal American, I will be happy to assist in the process of demonstrating 'waterboarding' and other techniques on either Bush or Cheney, or both. At the same time, we could use these televised torture sessions to discover and inform the American people about the truth regarding Enron, the so-called 'Energy Task Force', and the invasion and occupation of Iraq."
The CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE), Linda E. McMahon complained in a written statement that "the proposed broadcast of torture sessions by the government represents unreasonable and unfair competition against WWE in the provision of sadism and violence to the American people as their Constitutional right" and that WWE would bring an action against the Bush Administration seeking a restraining order on the proposed broadcast.
Vice President Dick ("Dick") Cheney was not available for comment from his secure undisclosed location.