Medical experts are baffled after an epidemic of the dreaded Walk Like a Drum Major disease spread throughout the entire population of 4,200 residents of Corksburg.
"Everyone is slow marching and carrying batons. It's really strange," said longtime resident Delbert Squimish, adding, "Even old Ted the barber is prancing around with a tall, furry red and white hat strapped on his head."
The Centers for Disease Control, which has been trying for years to consolidate into just one center, has sent Walk Like a Drum Major experts to Corksburg in an attempt to stem the outbreak.
"There's no cure, so we just take their hats and batons away and hope for the best," said CDC spokesman Wyman Napoot.