New Martinsville, WV--Attendants at the Deutmeyer family dinner reported mixed emotions Thursday night, as the progressive stance on homosexuality of Martin Deutmeyer, 84, was marred by family patriarch referring to homosexuality as "the gay", "the queer", and "Nancy boy-ness."
"I knew a gay when I was in the army, once. Well, a gay that I knew was a gay, I mean," sources report the elder Deutmeyer saying. "There was probably a gay here and there I didn't know about. Anyway, this one gay, he was a good worker, followed orders, kept to himself. You hardly knew he even had the gay."
"It's really great Dad has such progressive views on gay rights," son John, 47, told reporters. "But he still talks about the subject like it's 1949. It's a little weird."
"So what if someone has the gay?" the octogenarian demanded of the table in between mouthfuls of mashed potatoes. "Nobody wakes up one day and says, 'I'm gonna try out having the gay,' do they? Of course not!"
"I mean, I'm glad Grampy isn't a homophobic bigot like a lot of other old people," admitted granddaughter Ashley, 16. "But I still feel really weirded out when he puts unnecessary articles in front of words and stuff. The other day he called it 'The Instagram.' He's super old, so he's probably not going to change, but still."
Martin opined during the meal that in addition to letting people with the gay get married, society also should let a gay adopt children if they want, and grant the right to visit their fellow gay in the hospital when they're sick.
"Hey, if you have the gay, that's your business. Not mine. And it damn sure isn't the government's business who's into queerity," said Martin, apparently oblivious to the Deutmeyer's collective eye-rolling that accompanied his final word.
"As long as a gay puts in his fair share to society," concluded Martin. "That's good enough for me."
At press, the Deutmeyer family was collectively groaning at Martin's insistence that Islam is a menace to Western civilization and must be destroyed.