Written by Evil
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Topics: Food, Aliens, Government

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

image for Aliens Land in New York City
"Charlie, slip an extra pair of dog balls on the barbie for me!"

New York City mayor Ed Koch announced Thursday that the city will be hosting a race of space aliens that have landed in New York City's Central Park.

Koch returned from the dead as a zombie when the aliens discarded green toilet water in the graveyard where he was sleeping.

After returning back to his old office and pulling an earthworm from his ear, he began rationing gasoline in the city when he discovered the aliens drink gasoline as a refreshment.

The aliens also eat dog testicles and Koch has ordered New Yorkers to take their pet dogs to be neutered at designated stations run by a local catering service. The aliens will be dinning at City Hall and they will be sleeping at the Hilton in Times Square.

A woman walking her dog at Central Park says that a large bug man took her poodle Samson and bit off his testicles before proceeding to chew on them with great delight.

At a town hall meeting the aliens identified themselves as Kanamits, a race of 9-foot tall extraterrestrials from the planet Testicular.

Koch was sitting uncomfortably on a soft cushioned seat at the end of the community gathering, trying to look inconspicuous and covering his testicles with a jacket while the Kanamits were discussing their visit to earth.

Bill Murray and the cast from Ghostbusters were at the town hall meeting to promote their latest sequel of the 1984 comedy film.

The Kanamit leader asked what time it was on Earth, and began to tell the story of how he came to be here aboard a spaceship. He held in his right hand a 7-Eleven DOUBLE GULP cup filled with cherry flavored gasoline, courtesy of the 7-Eleven corporation.

The aliens claim to bring peace and prosperity, and to share their technology willfully. The leader carried around a book translated into different human languages. The title of the book is "To Serve Meatballs" and copies were distributed to the audience at the town hall meeting.

They are asking for world governments to breed a mass population of Great Danes to send pickled dog balls to Testicular as treats for Kanamit football fans and in exchange they offer their book "To Serve Meatballs."

The book is modeled after the social welfare system on their home planet of Testicular and it contains suggestions to fix social welfare systems on worlds with intelligent life.

The first chapter traces the money flow of social welfare which circulates through the mass population of humans in developed worlds.

The first sentence in the book is "We know how to ease the burden on the tax systems of developed nations in worlds with life forms that have evolved intelligence."

They explain that government can skip inflation to save money on social welfare by creating government farms, a government clothing manufacturing plant, and a product manufacturing plant.

Efficient government farms administered by a government agency known as the Government Department of Agriculture (G.D.A.) would raise cows for government milk and milk products such as canned evaporated milk and powdered, malted, chocolate milk with vitamins. The agency can also raise pigs, chickens, chicken eggs, and some green vegetables and most of it can be canned or powdered.

Poor people in developed countries can get their social welfare checks cut in half and they can be given vouchers, so they can get more government products with less money, this prevents theft in stores.

The vouchers would allow them to get 3 boxes of eggs per month which would be more than what they can get with half of the social welfare check which would be only 1 boxes of eggs per month. A healthy version of yellow colored, egg white powder, that is flavored to taste like whole eggs, can also be produced to supply a high protein breakfast meal with no cholesterol.

The government can even give extra vouchers to poor people that work on government farms and their distribution offices. Homeless people, unemployed people, unemployed ex-convicts, and low income fast food employees can work in those farms. The government will be paying poor people with the same products it produces which will cut out inflation when the cost of producing those products is lower than the amount of money that it would cost to buy similar products in grocery stores.

With the vouchers the poor will be eating more and it will cost the government less money to feed them because when the inflation of food goes up the cost of producing the same farm product will be less.

The variety of food products by the government farms will be less, but the quantity produced will be more at a lower cost. For one month, poor people will have more spinach to eat at a lower cost to the government.

The government can put food into large cans to lower the cost of production and distribution. Government accountants can run mathematic calculations to determine cost and savings to the government. The government can eliminate the fat and salt in food that go into cans to improve the health of poor people.

The government can mass produce different styles of clothing in prisons, in government factories, or they can hire a low cost factory in a foreign country to produce clothing for the poor under the direction of managers from their home countries.

The government can even store those products in massive warehouses, so the poor can have a five year supply of low priced products. A pair of pants will cost the government.30 cents in coins to produce which is cheaper than giving a poor person 60 dollar units to buy a pair of pants of similar quality at a retail store.

The product manufacturing plant can produce only products that are heavily consumed by poor people, like toilet paper, tooth paste, soap, dish washing soap, laundry detergent, and deodorant.

Governments should then support organizations administered by poor people and government managers which produce other types of products for poor people. Those organizations administered by the poor can travel to foreign countries to do fund raising, to ask other organizations for money and to invest in tax free businesses to raise funds to purchase wholesale products from popular companies such as Adidas shoes, Meindl shoes, and Nikes shoes, this will help support a healthy capitalist system.

The government should even encourage people to develop their own organizations that help the poor to reduce crime in developed nations and to prevent shoplifting in capitalist enterprises. The organizations can open up private dental clinics which fix the teeth of poor people to ease the expense of government health care.

Government should still keep social welfare, but with innovations the government can reduce it's financial burden. This will reduce the tax burden on human society and it will allow society to work for itself so it can help itself.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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