A new poll released by Mayo Clinic this morning reveals that thirty-seven percent of the adult US population has Shit for Brains! In an unprecedented move Fox News and MSNBC News are claiming that the poll is biased, provocative, and blasphemous. The two cable networks from the opposite sides of the political spectrum are being blamed by the study for the deterioration of the minds of a goodly percentage of the American public.
"There is no question about the data," said Professor J. E. Rodie of Mayo Clinic. Those Americans that spend large amounts of time each day looking and listening to these two networks are prone to having a degree of Shit for Brains far above the national average. The only conclusion that we can make from the study is that the Verbal Diarrhea that comes from these two sources and similar talk radio formats is affecting the brain function of those that are seemingly addicted to these formats. It should be a cause of deep concern to the medical profession in the US. We have compared the data with studies from the early 1990's which show that that Shit for Brains was detected in only twenty-two percent of the population. This was before the explosion of the cable news channels and talk radio thus proving the effect of the two mediums on the American psyche.
A similar study by the psychiatry department of the Harvard Medical School and in conjunction with the Mayo Clinic indicates that approximately forty-two percent of Americans are now Cat Shit Mean. This compares to a similar study made in the early 1990' showing that only twenty-six percent of the population were Cat Shit Mean. "It is definitely a matter of concern," said Professor C. Douglas McGee of the Harvard Medical School, "when the population of our country not only lags far behind the populations of Western Europe in the matter of Shit for Brains and Cat Shit Mean but also lags behind countries like North Korea, Afghanistan and the Sudan."
Professors Rodie and McGee concluded their joint statement with the following declaration: "If this trend continues in our beloved country, we will become the shitiest thinking, most Cat Shit Mean country on the face of the planet. Frankyl and with all due respect---- we don't give a rat's ass."