President Obama disclosed today, in a speech made in Yuma, Arizona before a group of culinary students at the Taco Institute of America, that recent studies on obesity, have directly contributed obesity to gun use in our country. "When a person has a gun, they feel secure, the security leads to tranquility, and as we all know, tranquility leads to eating, and then to shooting with guns, always with guns, guns are bad."
An independent consulting firm, PELIDEN, coincidentally owned by Vice President Joe Biden, and Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi, after extensive canvassing in Walmart stores throughout the country, found the conclusive results, and presented them to President Obama at a Congressional Golf Outing, at Donald Trump's International Golf Club located in Palm Beach County, Florida.
"I just had a gut feeling that guns caused all the fat," Obama quipped, as door prizes were being handed out at the finish of the grueling eighteen hole test of skill, patience, and endurance. "Some evidence has also been revealed that Lanza had eaten for several days before he went on the shooting spree using guns and guns and guns and guns. Yes, he ate and then used guns. Guns are bad, eating and guns are a bad combination. You eat and you shoot, it's as easy as that."
He indicated also that after a brief golfing vacation in California upon his return to Washington, he would meet with a "blue-ribbon" panel of experts, chaired by Governor Chris Christie, with Missouri Congressman Billy Long as co-chair, and members of management of Walmart and other food industry giants to pursue solutions to this problem.
The CIA and the FBI are currently compiling an extensive list of "overweight" Republican voters who own guns. Robert S. Mueller III, Director, stated, "We had to start somewhere, and, arbitrarily, we decided to focus on Republican voters who own guns, one gun, two guns, just gun owners, I repeat myself, gun owners."
The president's closing comment summed up the problem, "Guns are a problem, obesity is a problem, they go hand in hand, so if we get rid of guns, we get rid of obesity and vice versa, obesity and guns both kill, so let's get rid of the guns, take away the guns and the obesity goes away," and then he quipped, "I want the guns in bold type."