Washington DC- Attorney General Eric Holder announced an investigation into the possible murder of the Republican party.The AG's office confirmed that RNC chairman Reince Priebus is being held as a "person of interest", and warrants have been issued for the arrest of Todd Akin and Mitt Romney.
Holder said in a statement that " Since the Citizen's United ruling declared that corporations are people, we have to assume that since untill recently, there was still an active and relevant Republican party, the autopsy they have been bragging about may in fact have been, a vivisection. This makes it at best cruelty to an elephant, and in the worst case, murder."
While there is doubt about the health of the Republican party, the fact that Fox News and Rush Limbaugh are hemorrhaging advertisers and ratings, provides adequate evidence that the GOP Inc. was alive, prior to the release of the autopsy.
Holder went on to say, " This whole investigation could have been avoided had Priebus been out there bragging about a GOP biopsy or more accurately a GOP rectoscopy (an examination of assholes). Since they insist on calling this an autopsy, we are obliged to investigate, and make sure the death of the Republican party was not due to foul play."
While no one in the Obama administration was willing to go on record, due to this being an ongoing investigation, an unnamed source said, "the consensus among the Congressional Democrats, is that this was obviously a suicide."