MIAMI- March 30, 2013- A ground-breaking new study from the "Centre for Gender InEquality" has found that women advance most dramatically in the workplace when "Leaning Over" rather than "Leaning In".
"Leaning In", a concept recently endorsed by Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg and popularized in her best-selling book of the same name, advocates for women to push themselves into the workforce and work diligently to rise through the male-dominated ranks of corporate America. "Leaning Over", as exemplified by Erin Brokovich's distracting use of cleavage to obtain confidential documents from feckless male court clerks, calls for women to use their God-given lady-parts to secure plum work assignments, promotions, and blackmail materials as a tried and true path to advancement.
Lead researcher Hugh Janus found that of the 1 million women surveyed over a century-long research period, those who slept their way to the top advanced 95% more quickly than those who "worked hard" or put in long hours. "This study confirms what drunken office sluts have known for centuries," says Janus, "that sleeping with the boss is the surest path to corporate advancement."
Miranda Kream is a mid-level marketing executive with nearly 20 years of experience and a participant in the study. "I worked my ass off on last year's product launch, spent every weekend at the office, I gave my job 1000% of my time and effort" says Kream "but at the end of the year, some 25-year old with three years of experience and big tits fucked my boss and stole my bonus. Looking back, I should have lubed up at lunch and left the office at 5pm."
Sarah Voltec got her promotion using "Leaning In" tactics but wonders whether the sacrifices were worth it. "I didn't just miss an occasional ballet recital; I missed my kids' birthdays, my husband's birthday, my own birthday. I don't even know how old I am. I didn't see the outside of my office for nearly 29 months. By the time the project ended my husband was fucking our Manny and the kids were calling our Shih Tzu 'Mom'"
The study results were startling to lifelong feminist advocates like Gloria Streinam. "We knew that whoring around was effective in climbing the rungs of the social ladder but didn't expect those skills to be as useful at the office. This study confirms what feminist scholars have hypothesized for centuries. Men think exclusively with their dicks."
But as both "Leaning In" and "Leaning Over" advocates can agree, it takes a supportive spouse to nail that winning formula. "My wife was up for a big promotion" says Ted Steinfeld "and we have a big-ass mortgage and two kids in private school. It was important to our family that she secure that raise. I knew she gave great head, but her boss didn't. She needed to bring ALL her talents to the table. I encouraged her to do whatever it took. She worked a lot of late nights. We kept a tub of mouthwash at the front door so she could gargle before kissing the kids when she came home. There were a few mystery rashes and awkward cold sores, but in the end she got that promotion. We were all so proud."
Researchers, however, caution that women should not make career decisions based solely on the results of this study. "Additional research is necessary before we can absolutely recommend fucking one's boss," says Janus "we need to know whether that 5% failure rate is due to a bad boss or being a bad lay." In the interim it might be best for career-minded women to invest in both an MBA and a good push-up bra. 'Leaning Over' while 'Leaning In' just might be the key to success.