It was a shock heard around the world this morning when an anonymous source within the Vatican leaked word that the new Pope, Pope Francis, had failed a standard urine test for substance abuse after his election.
As news outlets scrambled for additional information there was speculation that this was a move by disgruntled Cardinals unhappy with the new Pope's stance on the poor and his decision to live in modest quarters instead of the opulence of those provided to all previous leaders of the church.
A Cardinal spoke to a reporter from the US Catholic News Service on the condition of anonymity and said: "It was-a OK when he spoke-a of wanting to help-a the poor. We been-a doing that-a for centuries," he paused, "BUT-A when he talk-a of wanting the church-a to be poor, he went-a too far! What kind of crap-a is that-a?"
The journalist asked the Cardinal if the charges against the new Pope were rigged and if the call for a re-call was, in fact, based on trumped up allegations.
Cardinal: "All-a what I can tell you is he was-a the one that brought the funny tasting brownies to the conclave-a, then everybody start-a to giggle and get the munchies! Then we take-a the vote and blow-a the smoke up-a the chimney. That's all I got to say-a. You catch-a my drift-a?"