Television networks chain up the doors, Restaurants fail, photographers go on unemployment, body shops go out of business. Jewelry stays on shelves. A entire industry fails. What could possibly be behind all this chaos?
Ben Bernanke, head of the Federal Reserve Bank, called a press conference announcing a new problem on the horizon effecting the fiscal fitness of The United States.
The syndrome, deemed "The Lindsay Lohan Effect", is a direct repercussion from Lindsay Lohan being sentenced in a Los Angeles courtroom to 90 days lockdown rehab earlier this week.
When asked specifically what the, "Lindsay Lohan Effect", was, Bernanke elaborated. "the Lindsay Lohan Effect is the direct instantaneous feedback felt by the American financial system when Lindsay Lohan and her shenanigans are taken off the streets".
The Fed commissioned a study as to why the stock market and other financial institutions performances do poorly when Lindsay Lohan is incarcerated or chilling at home for extended periods of time.
Sid Sunset, a investigator and financial expert found a correlation between Lindsay Lohan's partying habits and financial down trends, "It's all there in black and white, facts and figures don't lie, Lindsay Lohan is a industry unto herself. Ms Lohan's actions have a profound and lasting effect on each and every one of our lives".
According to the 20,000 page report, on the up side, if Lindsay Lohan makes a spectacle of herself, photographer take photos, reporters do live shots, commercials are broadcast, bloggers gossip, waitress get tips, drug dealers deliver, food is served, drinks are shared etc, etc, etc, you can see the intricate ramifications involved here.
A never ending, expanding cascade of events unfold translating into billions of dollars world wide.
Put Lindsay in jail. A empire falls, no pictures,,,no broadcasts,,,no tips,,,no shoes :( :( :(
Bernanke extended a plea to Lindsay on behalf of the country. "I don't want to burden Ms Lohan with any undue pressure but please keep up the good work, we all depend on you, industries depend on you, you go girl".
Apparently the fate of the nation has fallen to rest on the ample, upturned, jutting breasts of Lindsay Lohan dancing her fantastic antics.
No one ever thought everyone would be pulling for more Lindsay Lohan in the media but that's what it has come to.
From Sunset and Vine in Beautiful Downtown Hollywood California 90028