Miami -- Florida officials are still unsure if the stingray that killed the Crocodile Hunter is the same stingray that yesterday flung a stinger 6 feet straight up the xyz of Miami swimmer Kyle Witherspoon's .. xyz .. the "xyz" referring to a location of the anatomy which this report will simply refer to as .. "xyz".
"He, that Witherspoon guy put up a great fight for, oh, a GOOD 2 seconds" one eyewitness to the Miami stinging said, explaining how the actual TIP of the stingray's stinger ripped through the very tonsils of Mr Witherspoon before seconds later the stingray dive-bombing 480 feet below the surface of the Atlantic ocean, dangling Witherspoon behind him yelling and screaming bloody murder until the stingray finally SLUNG poor Witherspoon loose sending him hurling at 70 miles per hour into a jagged razor sharp great barrier reef to be later eaten by the killer whales, algae and porpoise types.
"Not a good way to go" sources say.
A $950,000 reward was immediately offered after the Crocodile hunter's death to anyone bringing in the killer stingray that slayed him. Miami swimmer Kyle Witherspoon accepted the challenge. Witherspoon was doing ok, bounty hunter-wise .. until a 500 pound stingray flung a ..
Just what the heck kind of Star Wars life-form IS a stingray anyway? Reporters posed that question to Animal Planet's planetary animal expert Cameron Stevenson, Stevenson replying,
"Not a critter you want to be messing with just now, tomorrow even for that matter."
President Bush, today usurping Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff's authority raised the nation's security threat level to "deep purple orange psychedelic kinda Hendrix kinda blue" after the latest rash of stingray attacks against American citizens. Bush in his radio address today told the nation,
"Trust me folks. Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein will disguise themselves as a .. a Texas country MULE to get to ya, kill ya. In this case them terrorists are come'n over, disguise'n themselves as ray fishes and take'n you out one at a time."
Bush went on to warn,
"Me and Barney are gonna don our swim trunks, grab some spears and FIGHT them killer terrorist ray critters over there in their own waters so we don't have to fight them over here at Seaworld. You ready Barney?"