Washington, DC - The administration will crank up its war on terrier at the behest of Barney, the presidential Scottie, who has disavowed his terrier heritage, his "terriosity," as Tony Snow (former Pit Bull terrier, now claiming to be a Whippet hound ) has put it.
Until now the war has been fought in the background with the AKC, Westminster and other canine associations (the Guide Dog Association was spared on a "compassion" basis). These groups have been secretly threatened with withdrawal of their federal funding, and White House operatives have been waging whisper campaigns, the latest being a rumor circulated in dog clubs that a prize-winning Shar-pei was really an elaborate sock puppet. Apparently, the administration was unaware that the Shar-pei isn't in the terrier group.
Barney has announced that he will no longer associate himself with the terrier group, saying, through the White House psychic, that he has been quite unhappy as a member of that particular breed (Scottie) especially, and has always felt himself to be a Rottweiler. The First Scottie is henceforth to be referred to as The First Rottie in all press releases, books, movies, T-shirts.
The psychic, Madame ALaRechercheDuTempsPerdu, has read Barney deeply, sincerely, biscuit-in-pocket, and finds that he has always felt himself to be a "different breed." The reading further revealed that not only is he a Rottie, but he's female as well. That's right. He's a bitch.
Further, the psychic says, Barney, who wants his name changed to "Barnita," has such venomous hatred for FDR's Fala, the "other" famous Scottie, that it has risen to the level of an obsession. The psychic tried to mitigate: "She's just in heat right now."
Channeling Barnita, the psychic droned in a high-pitched voice: "AKC can bite me, I'm gonna join the working group. I can be a Cocker Spaniel if I want to - cock in your breed name, yeah, that's cool. If I'm gonna be Scottish, then I'm a Deer Hound, and you can't stop me!" Barnita's PMS obviously kicked into high gear.
ALaRechercheDuTempsPerdue explained: "Barnita has been living a lie these past five years. It's exceedingly difficult for her to express herself as a terrier. Inside she feels like a guard dog, a dog that inspires fear and loathing, not a cute ‘n' cuddly ankle biter. She demands that her owner-in-chief ratchet up the war on terrier. If her demands aren't met, she'll shit on the Oval Office rug."
The administration's war on terrier plans may involve:
1. Forced sterilization of all dog breeds with beards
2. Banning of terriers from federally-funded
grounds, including parks
3. $3 Billion PR campaign (MakeItHappen has
the no-bid contract) to promote non-terriers
4. "No Terriers" signs posted on all dog-grooming
facilities that lie within 100 yards of any federally-
5. Extant terriers to be referred to as "hound dogs"