Written by plinth course
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Topics: Atlanta

Saturday, 2 September 2006

image for Talking Heads: Not Just a Metaphor Anymore
The future of news reporting: hotwiring pets (?) for the short and dirty opinion

Atlanta-Now that Kyra Phillips, CNN talking head (pun!), has broken the mold, reporters may be dispatched to toilets everywhere, there to give their off-the-cuff material for the edification of an American audience that (wait for it) "just loves that shit."

That's the sentiment of the highest management of the 24/7 news networks. "Kyra showed us how," says Bernie "The Burn" Bernschoper of a rival network. "It's such fortuitous events as this that make us all sit up (pun unrecognized?) and take notice. We got a really positive response to Kyra's ‘error.' Her honesty and forthrightness just blew people away. Fantastic!"

The head (your call) of a CNN department , who preferred anonymity, seemed somewhat conflicted: "We were put in an odd position there (pun, definitely) and nothing would do but (leave it alone) that we apologize. But (leave it aLONE!) if you ask me, I LOVED the here-and-now of it! Um … Kyra was really just honestly giving her opinions, as useless as they were, and she didn't trash any politician or anyone important. We don't know her sister-in-law. Butt (you were warned) I for one got a real kick out of the voyeurism of it. Hey, how many times do we get to listen in on toilet talk?"

The Burn was orders of magnitude more ebullient, excited by the possibilities he visualizes. He thinks that we could ‘see' reporters - it's not likely cameras will be introduced into toilets, but don't bet the farm! - in other ‘unusual venues.'

"I can visualize," says The Burn, "planting our talking heads (likely pun, plural form) at DC cocktail (outdated pun) parties, even doing actual news analysis, YOU ARE THERE kind of thing. Who wouldn't love to hear the background gossip and chatter? Talk about getting the NEWS. How about the citizen-in-the-street angle? We could have our heads (um ... term of art, maybe) at train stations, bus stops, grocery stores, even gas (inappropriate pun) stations. Wouldn't you love to hear a guy in the background ranting about $3 gas while the head (NOT a pun, so there) reports on oil prices? Talk about reality TV! We should just flush (so OBvious) that opportunity away?

The Burn went on about the ‘grittiness' to be captured by reporting in various alternative venues. When asked about world events and the dearth of on-location reporting, he angered a bit: "No way! Get these people to go to a war zone? They won't even get on a plane now."

Next up, according to the many newSTAINment managers I interviewed: reporting from the bedroom. That's right. We may get pillow talk opinions. Live and raw, in a manner of speaking …

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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