CHICAGO - Recent studies on the mechanics of texting have shown that overdoing it can lead to some serious complications.
Professor Verdana Mindy Tenditucker, head of the Anatomical Department at Cottonball State University in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, expressed that a research study on the dangers of texting brought up several negative factors.
The professor said that for one thing texting while driving can cause dehydration which could lead to hunger pains which could cause the driver to hallucinate that he or she is seeing hamburgers, hot dogs, pizzas, or tacos in his or her rear-view mirror.
Professor Tenditucker, who says she has a big crush on Bradley Cooper, said that this affliction is especially common in highly populated areas such as Los Angeles, New York City, Chicago, and Phoenix.
She explained that texting is also believed to cause the female syndrome known as Inverted Nipples in 9 percent of all females who text.
Beverly Hills physician, Dr. Duffy F. Elderfunk, who is known as The Gynecologist to the Stars, was contacted and asked about this highly unusual matter.
Dr. Elderfunk explained that when a female is texting her finger and thumb muscles are constantly stretching ligaments that run from the wrist up the arm and down onto the bosom region
At first there is really no problem but as the texting becomes more and more extensive the breast muscles emit a type of anti-estrogen hormone called Tostitosomanatitus.
This anti-estrogen hormone commonly referred to as Tosti 2 acts as an inner suction element that in turn basically takes on the properties of a mini-vacuuming agent placing 2.2 G's of stress on the nipple which eventually causes it to become inverted.
Dr. Elderfunk stated that as of now there is no known cure for Inverted Nipples and using various types of creams, lotions, ointments, emollients, and liniments that claim to de-invert Inverted Nipples is to put it plainly a simple waste of time and money.
He did say that Solid State College in San Antonio, has started conducting some Inverted Nipple experiments on laboratory female woodchucks and they have noted some much-welcomed success.
In Another Research Study. Studies conducted by The Amalgamated Department of Data Gathering, which is based in Chicago, noted that if all of the Hostess Twinkies that Kirstie Alley has ever eaten were laid end to end they would reach to the moon and back two times.