Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 23 February 2013

image for The Atlantic Ocean Will Run Out of Tuna Fish By March 1, 2014
The Atlantic Ocean is home to more tuna fish than any other ocean. (Photo courtesy of Anderson Cooper).

PROVINCETOWN, Massachusetts - The New England Department of Fishing has just issued a statement dealing with the East Coast fishing industry.

NED of F Assistant Director of Operations Blumenthal H. Persimmon, 49, has said that according to predictions made by members of the Massachusetts Tuna Fish Agency, the Atlantic Ocean will totally run out of tuna fish by March 1, 2014.

Persimmon stated that this is due to the tremendous insatiable appetite that Americans have developed for tuna fish just over the last seven years.

The MTFA reported that demand for tuna fish by every state in the union has tripled just since last summer. MFTA spokesperson Chelsea Cheesebrew, 28, attributes this to the dietary habit changes that have occurred in those individuals in the 23 to 33 age group.

Miss Cheesebrew, who was engaged to be married until she caught her fiancé cheating on her with a Hooter's Girl, commented that 73 percent of all tuna fish is consumed by those in that 10 year age group.

She said that coupling that statement with the fact that tuna fish diners are sprouting up all over the country one can obviously see that it has helped to raise the popularity of the once ho hum fish into now being a fish of unbounded urgency and unbridled desire.

Studies conducted by The Chicken of The Sea Jr. College in Bangor, Maine, last year showed that college students who ate an average of four cans of tuna per week had a grade point average of 3.8 compared to those who did not eat any tuna whatsoever who only had a grade point average of 2.7.

One student named Igloomund Pantinico, III, who attends Eskimo State University in Juneau, Alaska, stated that he has been eating tuna fish ever since he was two months old and as a result he was able to graduate from high school at the amazing age of 12.

SIDENOTE: President Obama recently stated on The View that he has been eating tuna fish sandwiches and tuna fish casseroles since he was three-years-old and he truly believes that it definitely helped him to get elected president of the United States twice.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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