Washington, DC -- The upside of the government's sequester initiative is a $1.2 trillion reduction in the deficit. The downside is that the blunt force action will produce many unanticipated cuts and changes that will adversely affect every American.
A recently released report from the Congressional Budget Office provided these examples:
Open season will be declared on all wildlife in national parks. Good thing you didn't turn in those 25 shot assault rifle clips.
Tuesdays will be eliminated. And if you complain, they'll take away your Saturdays too.
The Daytona 500 will become the Daytona 315.2. Race fans will have to chug their Budweisers 36.2% faster.
The Vietnam War will be reignited. The General Accounting Office has determined that we have to go back in to retrieve 12,376 assault rifles that were left behind. There seems to be a shortage of them in the states. It would be nice if we could locate John McCain's false teeth as well. He took them out to renounce "those American capitalist pigs" and hasn't had a decent steak since.
The price of gold will be linked to New York State's "Pick Four" daily lottery number. The financial system seems ready for another insane gamble. Place your bets.
The Navy SEALs will be traded to the Pittsburgh Penguins. This could get interesting when the arena organist tries to play "O Canada!"
The U.S. Postal Service will take back all the mail it has delivered for the past three months. That's everything except your bills.
Asked to explain why so many quirky provisions were added to the sequester decree, a spokesman for the Congressional Budget Office noted that Congress "hasn't been sleeping well lately."