Written by E. Lee Zimmerman
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Topics: CNN

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

ATLANTA, GA - The ratings-challenged news giant CNN is planning a makeover.

From his desk at his news organization's headquarters in Atlanta, Hubert Smish - Senior Vice President of News Affairs and Programming - stated the network's attention to begin catering to viewers with below-average intelligence.

"Gone are the days when news was being consumed solely by those with a need to know," Smish said to a gathering of reporters, mostly those belonging to his own company. "In the past, people of average or even above-average intelligence watched the news in order to obtain information most needed to play their days, their weeks, or their futures. Today, that's no longer the case, and CNN is proud to step forward and embrace the new cultural norm with a series of innovative changes to our presentation format."

In the age of this new era of information, Wolf Blitzer will be abandoning 'The Situation Room' in favor of new news host, Khloe Kardashian. Her stable of regular investigative reporters will include no less than Nicole Ritchie on politics, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog on business, and South Korean international pop sensation PSY bringing his 'Gangnam-style' to sports and weather.

"Daily news bulletins will be produced in-house, and I'm thrilled to confirm that we've spared no expense by signing popular Las Vegas headliner Carrot-Top to the International Desk," Smish announced. "In between segments, he'll be delivering some of the madcap comedy that's been mesmerizing audiences for years."

Lastly, Smish heralded the idea of 'News-After-Dark,' an analysis of the day's events with an emphasis on 'after hours.' As such, anchors will be supplying what he calls a bit of "extra steam" to their "passionate" coverage of events. Old programs are quickly being retooled, and, waiting in the wings, are the premieres of 'Anderson Cooper: 69,' 'Piers Morgan Bent Over,' 'Erin Burnett Down Low,' and 'Celebrity Safe Word.'

"There's no better time to be in the news industry," Smish asserted, "and, with CNN leading the way, you can expect great things to come."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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