Written by Winston Smith
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Topics: Florida, Manatees

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

image for Florida Jails Animal Lover For Petting Manatee
Florida Wildlife Commision SWAT Team Raids Home Of Manatee Whisperer

FORT PIERCE, Fla. -- A Fort Pierce man, Wyan William Waterman, was arrested Sunday after posting online photos of himself and two young children petting and holding a manatee calf, according to the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission (FWC).

The captions below the photographs refer to Waterman's occupation as a "Manatee Whisperer". They also state that the manatee was simply lost upriver and was asking directions of Waterman. According to witness statements, Waterman told nearby swimmers that the manatee's name was "Liberty". Waterman said that Liberty wanted him to point her downriver so that she would not be crushed by the dam locks that the government built upriver in the town of Killjoy.

The town of Killjoy was previously know as Freedom Park until it was swamped by crotchety old snowbirds that hate little children. They quickly voted to change the name to Killjoy in order to deter any influx of young families seeking life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. The city council then voted to damn the river in the hope that it would be filled with killer frogs or at least nice small frogs that would eat all of the flies that try to sneak their way into everyone's adult diapers.

The swimmers told inquisitors that Waterman kept asking them to be quiet so that he could hear the manatee. They were somewhat bothered until they realized that Liberty was in danger and then they immediately lowered their voices.

The FWC filed charges against Waterman, 21, with the State Attorney's Office regarding a violation of the Florida Manatee Sanctuary Act after receiving a tip from a busybody who saw photos of the incident online. The tipster was then arrested because he had been surfing the net while he was supposed to be working for The Man in the Ministry of Assisted Suicide.

According to an FWC press release the future despot told authorities that Waterman kidnapped the manatee. Witnesses at the scene told a different story and pointed to Liberty swimming away downriver. They also told authorities that they hoped to bring her back someday.

The Manatee Sanctuary Act makes it a third-degree felony punishable by death to intentionally "molest, harass, or disturb" any manatee.

According to FWC inquisitors, Waterman approached the manatee calf in the St. Lucie River yesterday. Manatees are classified by Florida's government as an endangered species.

The pictures show a man the FWC identified as Waterman with his two young children petting a manatee calf. They also show Waterman lifting the calf partially out of the water. One image even shows Waterman's children sitting on top of the manatee.

The State Attorney agreed with the charges filed by FWC inquisitors. Their SWAT team then executed a raid on Waterman's home. The door to the home was broken down in a "no-knock" raid by FWC agents brandishing seven-thousand assault weapons and carrying two-billion rounds of ammunition. Waterman awoke to find Sgt.Gross Bruder zip-tying Waterman's hands behind his back while his wife and children screamed, "Bloody murder".

Local news media, whom had been invited by the SWAT team to watch the smack-down, inquired as to the necessity of the "no-knock" raid. The leader of the SWAT team, Sgt.Gross Bruder, responded by saying that they were trying to prevent Waterman from flushing the manatee down the toilet. It was at this point that Waterman yelled "You bastards did that yourselves already!" and then Waterman was electrically persuaded as to the sanctity of the SWAT team's mission.

"An interaction that may seem harmless and innocent may ultimately have serious consequences for citizens who do not follow orders," FWC officials said in a release.

"This was a juvenile manatee which was likely still dependent on its mother for food and protection," said manatee biologist Dr. Tom Reinerd in a release. "Separating the two could have severe consequences for the calf."

Waterman was charged with one count of sassing or perturbing a manatee. He was booked under "M" in the non-fiction aisle of the St. Lucie County Jail section of the Guantanamo Detention Center in Cuba Sunday at 1:10 p.m.

PETOP, People for the Ethical Treatment Of Other People, immediately came to Waterman's defense and issued a press release. PETOP familogist Dr.Reinheart Tomas stated that Waterman was simply trying to help restore Liberty to her natural home away from the dam locks created by the government. The statement also requested that the judge release Waterman on his own recognizance. Dr. Tomas stated that Waterman's young children are likely still dependent on him for food and protection. "Separating them from their father could have severe consequences for the children."

The PETOP press release also asked President Obama not to put Waterman's name on the kill list. The White House press secretary responded by saying that Waterman's biometric data has only been fed into all 10,000 domestic Hellfire carrying drones as a precaution in case Waterman violates any condition of of his possible release from Guantanamo.

PETOP forwarded a personal request from Waterman to President Obama. In the request Waterman asks President Obama to add him to the "No Fly List" because they keep landing in his Guantanamo Gruel and he is not allowed to have a swatter because, according to the Gitmo Commander, "Flies are people too."

In October, authorities in Pinellas County arrested a woman shown in photographs taking a joyride on a manatee. The woman said that she was a manatee whisperer and a member of the Mako-Wish Foundation. She said that the manatee was a terminally ill patient at South Lake Hospital and that she was fulfilling the manatee's dying wish to be a race-horse for a day.

The PETOP asks that anyone who witnesses harassment or finds a dead or distressed person to call the PETOP Alert Hotline at 888-BEE-NICE.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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