Washington, DC -- Under growing criticism for using remote-controlled aircraft to hunt down and kill suspected terrorists, the Defense Department has transferred its top-secret aerial assassination program to the Mafia.
"Anybody got any complaints now?" demanded Giuseppe "Glue Gun" Tedesco, who was recently named president of the newly created Bayonne Model Aircraft Club.
"It just goes to show, if you want something done right, you've got to go to the professionals. You want to make a hit? We invented the hit."
So far, the drone program has been restricted to assassinating self-proclaimed terrorists and suspected villagers. But its to-do list may be extended to include domestic targets as well.
"You know, we think the terrorists are very unpatriotic, so we kind of enjoy killing them," Tedesco declared. "But some of the names on our hit list are close to home. It's all top secret, so you didn't hear nothing from me. I just like flying the toy planes."
In turning over the drone program to a private contractor, the federal government is unleashing an arsenal of weapons capable of wiping out entire towns anywhere in the world.
"Hey, we know this is a big responsibility," Tedesco commented. "But our boys have been practicing. Why do you think we have all those video games in the strip clubs?"
In exchange for the drone contract, the Mafia has agreed to give up its exclusive position as the world's premier marijuana distributor.
"We'd like to thank all those do-gooders out there who supported the prohibition of pot through the years," Tedesco said. "That was worth billions to us. But now it's time to move up. With drones, the sky's the limit."
Tedesco explained that select senators and representatives will be "persuaded" to change their positions on pot prohibition and remote control assassinations in the coming weeks. Those who are slow to react might be visited by one of the Bayonne Model Aircraft Club's remote control wonders.
The Defense Department declined comment but issued this statement: "This Loan a Drone program is but another example of how we all profit when organized crime and disorganized crime work together."