In a historic vote today House Republicans lead by John Boner voted to eliminate the artificial poverty line. Typically the poverty rate is considered to be "on average" in the U.S. (and it varies from state to state) $11,440, for one person living alone, then add about $4000 per person. But the House today said this line no longer exists, and therefore there is no poverty in America. House Speaker
John Boner explained, "People want to raise the minimum wage to $9 dollars per hour, but business can't afford to hire more people that way. If we eliminate the myth of poverty, then it takes the pressure off. If you aren't told how poor you are by the Democrats and press every day, you might begin to feel better about yourself."
"I feel better already," said Sam Stallone, pushing a shopping cart and collecting garbage on the Washington Mall, "Why I'd like to shake John's hand and I'll even share my raw hamburger I found in the dumpster this morning. By they way I didn't think of myself as poor in the first place, I use to be a lawyer."
House Democratic minority leader Nancy Pastrami claimed, "This just shows how completely out of touch the Republicans are with reality."
"Wow, this feels great!" said Sam as he stopped to retie his aged cracked leather boots, "I think tomorrow I'll go to a real estate office and buy a house, but wait a second. Oh that's right I have to have MONEY to do that wouldn't I John! Now I know some folks like me who have a house and 4 people and they make together about $18000 per year, none of them work full time, because the business owners claim paying insurance is too high, and going to school costs too much, so their kids are in and out of trouble and family services. But I suppose if they knew they wasn't in poverty no more, they'd all feel sooooooo much better. What a jackass....."