Written by Winston Smith
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Wednesday, 13 February 2013

image for Cruise Line Offers Bygone Era Of Sailing
Medieval Cruise Lines Bon Voyage

Medieval Cruise Lines initial public offering of preferred stock has been met with widespread joy by vacationers and by investors alike.

Its shares closed fifty percent higher than the initial asking price and it has fully booked all of its cruises for the next five years.

The reason for this astronomical demand is simple. People just love to leave the modern world behind at the pier so they can relax. Medieval Cruise Lines is satisfying that desire of travelers to go back to a more simple and relaxed period of human history.

Medieval Cruise Lines has constructed one replica ship each of the Santa Maria, the Nina and the Pinta. These ships have no electricity or plumbing on board. The galley comes complete with provisions of salt beef or pork, cheese, fish, ale and some form of ship's biscuit.

Hordes of rats and flies are also brought onboard to eat most of the food before the ship sets sail full of excited passengers. The remaining food will be maggot and feces infested so that it looks and tastes just like the food of ancient mariners.

Passenger accommodations are down in the hold of the ship which has a shallow coating of bilge water leaked in for passenger bathing needs. Passengers will relieve themselves in buckets which will be dumped overboard by other passengers who will be forced to volunteer as cabin-boys and cabin-girls.

The ships captains will be recruited from non-English speaking countries on the East and West coasts of Africa. There will be no "Captains Mess" for passengers to partake in, other than the work of the cabin-boys and cabin-girls to keep the ship clean.

The ships crews will be impressed from inner-city slums in the United States and will be altogether illiterate, thieving and rude. Rum will be provided to the crew because crack was not yet available in the time period that is being replicated on board.

Passengers will occasionally be allowed to climb up a rope ladder from the hold up onto the deck for recreation periods. Recreation will consist of furling and unfurling sails, peg-leg carving, plank-walking and realistically pretending to be slaves to the crew.

Comments on MedievalCruiseLines.web by customers fortunate enough to have received their tickets already can be summed up by one poster who thanked God that he did not have to sail on Carnival Cruise Lines anymore.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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