New York - "You wake up in the middle of the night with a hunch the royal four poster's crawling with parasites," is how the Mayor of New York described his stay at Birkhall, Scotland
"Still, kinda reassuring to know the real bloodsuckers are fast asleep in the Prince's private quarters."
Just one night at seedy Birkhall House was enough to send Michael Bloomberg scurrying back home with a 'Never Again! One step down from a cardboard box!' rating posted on the RoyalBadTripAdvisor.con website.
The New York mayor cut his weekend stay to a fleating overnight visit after Charles' hospitality was eclipsed somewhat by the presence of unexpected Scottish wildlife.
"Yeah, mainly arthropods from the cimicid family," Bloomberg continued, "not to mention a colony of bubonic plague rats nestling behind the bed chamber's ensuite composting lavatory."
He's now been treated successfully at New York's Mount Sinai Hospital where surgeons also fixed lacerations to the Mayor's wallet.
"It's true," Bloomberg continued, "all Prince Charles wanted was a wad of my cash to prop up his crumbling Amazonbotch Foundation."
The not-for-profit organization fund-raises for Ecuadorian pollution scams ahead of a major racketeering lawsuit in New York this year against US super major Chevron.
A bucket shop return ticket from JFK International to Aberdeen Airport costs a bargain $1,000.