An nationwide poll has revealed that nearly half of all people who attend church only do so to get laundry change from the collection plate.
"If this is true, it's startling," said Reverend Augie Fistleprig of the Church of the Holy Cow. "I must say, we have noticed that when the collection plates are turned in, there are a lot of bills and never any quarters."
One churchgoer, who wished to remain anonymous, admitted he was one of the 40-percent.
"It's tough to get change for the laundromat. Stores will give you, like, four quarters at the most, so I get my change at church. I don't really feel guilty about it. I mean, I stay for the full hour and stand up and sit down when everybody else does, and I sing all those hymns and stuff. Sometimes, though, I get confused when they use words like 'thee' and 'thy' and 'shalt.'"